Sci Fi Dystopian
138,000 words
New Text:
General Lucian Devereaux strode the Cliffhanger’s halls with anger pulsing in his temples like a second heartbeat. He paid little attention to the two men in black and their captive who hung his head and dragged his feet as though half-asleep. The men saluted the general as they passed him, then continued to the top of a descending staircase. It whirred to life, taking the prisoner into the abyss that was the concentration camp’s dungeon.
After pausing to straighten the collar of his deep green jacket, Lucian walked on. Despite his rage, he needed to remain presentable for the upcoming conference – as presentable as he was for every event he attended. He tried slicking back that unruly strand of hair that hung over his right eye, but it remained untamable as ever, doing nothing to help his mood. Frowning, the general stepped onto the main staircase and murmured, “Tenth floor.”
Work days at the Hanger were never pleasant, but today’s happenings had nearly driven him to the edge. Lucian tightened his grip on the parchment in his hand.
The tenth floor, like the eleventh and twelfth, was reserved for the most important military figures. He didn't bother knocking before stepping inside the conference room.
Dim lighting rendered Lucian momentarily blind. 3-D projections of paintings flickered inside depressions in the walls, giving the room a muted glow. Two seated military figures awaited Lucian around a table.
“Well?” he asked them.
“No luck, General Devereaux,” said Acker in his high-pitched voice. “Whoever this rebel is, he’s keeping a low profile.”
With Suzie's Comments:
According to the author, we're starting with a different scene as a first one, and we're in the perspective of the main character this time.
General Lucian Devereaux strode the Cliffhanger’s halls with anger pulsing in his temples
like a second heartbeat.
"Pulsing" gives the same impression as the second heartbeat simile. He paid little attention to the two men in black and their captive who hung his head and dragged his feet
as though half-asleep.
Again, the image of him is strong without the repetitive figurative language. The men saluted the general as they passed him, then continued to the top of a descending staircase. It whirred to life, taking the prisoner into the abyss that was the concentration camp’s dungeon.
The staircase "whirred to life"? I'm confused... After reading this paragraph a few times I think I have an accurate portrayal of what's happening, but it took me a few reads to figure it out.
After pausing to straighten the collar of his deep green jacket, Lucian walked on. Despite his rage, he needed to remain presentable for the upcoming conference – as presentable as he was for every event he attended. He tried slicking back that unruly strand of hair that hung over his right eye, but it remained untamable as ever, doing nothing to help his mood. Frowning, the general stepped onto the main staircase and murmured, “Tenth floor.”
Work days at the Hanger were never pleasant, but today’s happenings had nearly driven him to the edge. Lucian tightened his grip on the parchment in his hand.
The tenth floor, like the eleventh and twelfth, was reserved for the most important military figures. He didn't bother knocking before stepping inside the conference room.
Dim lighting rendered Lucian momentarily blind. 3-D projections of paintings flickered inside depressions in the walls, giving the room a muted glow. Two seated military figures awaited Lucian around a table.
“Well?” he asked them.
“No luck, General Devereaux,” said Acker in his high-pitched voice. “Whoever this rebel is, he’s keeping a low profile.”
My main question here, is why did we start with this scene: Him walking to the conference room. Why not start with the conference? Why not start with a scene to show whatever is making Devereaux so mad? I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.
If this scene is important as a starting point, I'd rather get more of a concrete image of what happens to the prisoner in the first paragraph as well as imagery about Cliffhanger (what does it smell like in a place like that? sound like?--there are a lot of possibilities), and then get right to the conference room.
I'm not sure I care that he's wearing a green jacket or that he needs to be presentable or that he has an unruly strand of hair hanging over his right eye--is this stuff important for an opening scene?
And rather than be told "work days at the Hanger were never pleasant"--I want to see it instead.
Original Text:
It was said that nobody knew how to reach the doors of the black tower from the outside – nobody but generals Acker and Devereaux. Officer Myron Kline had been flown in with a jet, and though the tower's sentries were ordered not to shoot on this occasion, he hadn't felt at ease until making contact with the ground.
Sunset was approaching, but the overcast sky trapped the sun's glow between layers of mist. The sea churned under low, thick clouds, licking the sides of a cliff that protruded over the water like a blade of steel. The young officer’s uniform was damp from the sea’s spray, but he barely noticed this as he strode towards the cliff’s peak. There, rising into the clouds, loomed the tower made of lustrous black onyx.
Repressing a shiver, Myron now noticed how closely it teetered to the raging waters below.
On the other hand, he could see the appeal of building the tower on such a treacherous terrain: it ensured a difficult time for those foolish enough to attempt escape. The camp hadn’t been baptized Cliffhanger for nothing, and he was now one of the few who knew the reasoning behind its name. A slip of the tongue concerning the Cliffhanger meant heavy punishment under the orders of General Devereaux, but the young officer had no intention of making such a mistake now that he was in the general’s employment.
He'd already sworn the oath of silence, and those who broke it didn't live to tell the tale.
With Suzie's Comments:
First, a note on word count. 138k is borderline too long. It does depend on genre, and this one didn't say what it was, but when you have a long word count, make sure that every scene is developing the character and pushing the plot forward. And maybe go through and make sure you are using words to their best advantage. You don't want to be saying something in 20 words when it can be said just as well in 15.
It was said that nobody knew how to reach the doors of the black tower from the outside – nobody but generals Acker and Devereaux. Officer Myron Kline had been flown in with a jet, and though the tower's sentries were ordered not to shoot on this occasion, he hadn't felt at ease until making contact with the ground.
I'm not sure I like the first line--I like it in the sense that it's a good line, but I don't like it as an opening. I don't know what the black tower is. It's black and it's a tower and if no one can reach the doors it seems sort of ominous, but because I don't really know enough, I think that I don't feel the trepidation like I should. Plus, two last names of two guys not on page have just been thrown my way right before introducing a third name, presumably the character I'm following. It might be more beneficial to open with a line about Officer Myron Kline and what he sees approaching the black tower--show me what it is please--and then tell me no one knows where the doors are and that's why he's been flown in by jet. Then the introduction of the tower PLUS the sentries orders (omg!) will make me feel as nervous as Myron.
Sunset was approaching, but the overcast sky trapped the sun's glow between layers of mist. The sea churned under low, thick clouds, licking the sides of a cliff that protruded over the water like a blade of steel. The young officer’s uniform was damp from the sea’s spray, but he barely noticed this as he strode towards the cliff’s peak. There, rising into the clouds, loomed the tower made of lustrous black onyx.
This is a nice descriptive paragraph, but I still don't know what the tower looks like. How/Where is he striding if he was being flown in? Also, some of the descriptive words here are counterproductive to setting the tone. This seems sort of pretty to me. But if the tower is supposed to give Myron shivers (like it does below), I want a creepy description of the area. It could even be sort of pretty but contrasted with the black toward, it looks wrong. I don't know but lustrous black onyx says pretty jewelry to me, not creepy ominous tower.
Repressing a shiver, Myron now noticed how closely it teetered to the raging waters below.
Raging waters? I thought they were licking the cliffs, that seemed calm to me.
On the other hand, he could see the appeal of building the tower on such a treacherous terrain:
I need more evidence of how the terrain is treacherous it ensured a difficult time for those foolish enough to attempt escape. The camp hadn’t been baptized Cliffhanger for nothing, and he was now one of the few who knew the reasoning behind its name.
What reason? Did I miss something? A slip of the tongue concerning the Cliffhanger meant heavy punishment under the orders of General Devereaux, but the young officer had no intention of making such a mistake now that he was in the general’s employment.
He'd already sworn the oath of silence, and those who broke it didn't live to tell the tale.
I really like this last line--it's in my opinion the best line of the excerpt, and because of it I think I'd turn the page and read one more to see if my interest could be grabbed. This line gives me the sense of danger and intrigue. I want to know what he has to be silent about!
