Wait. Really?

This is my car.

picture taken during cross country move #2

It's a 1999 Volkswagon Jetta.  At one time, both mirrors were duct taped on.

Now, it's just one.

And the front bumper.  (Volkswagon, if you're listening, would it really hurt for you to make these just a tad sturdier?)

Needless to say, of all the cars parked on my block, my car stands out as some of an, ahem, eye sore.  It also, in addition to it's structural problems, it has a few electrical problems is possessed by demons as well.  There's a demon in the sunroof who sometimes refuses to allow the sunroof to close all the way.  I can however use my physical prowess to overpower it and force it shut...at least some times.

There was a demon in the cupholders.  For three years! when you pressed the button for the cupholders to pop out as they're supposed to, the demon would refuse to release them.  Then one day, my mother somehow managed to exorcise it.

The worst demon, though, is the demon who is possessing the alarm system. When you lock the car, the alarm engages.  But when you unlock the car (manually....I uh dropped the key in a pool one summer and the buttons haven't worked right since), it physically unlocks but it doesn't disengage the alarm.  You can imagine what happens.  When the car starts, the alarm goes off and Just. Doesn't. Stop.

After several calls to mechanics, the best solution I could come up with was to just not lock the car.  After all, there's not much important in there - nothing worth stealing unless you want the Tums or Excedrin or that pesky Epi Pen in the glove box.  And who would actually steal the car.

Do you see where this story is going?


I took a writing class in my last year in college - a class I had to take to graduate.  I can't remember the exact name of the course, but it was essentially autobiographical writing.

This was a class I actually excelled at, and I managed to entertain my classmates weekly with episodic essays about my family (yeah, my Dad and a trip to Disney World might have starred in one of those) and the crazy little things that seemed to only happen to me.  Moments that gave people a You can't make that shit up type of look.  We joked that the title of my memoir would be ONLY IN MY LIFE.*

*Of course, I am fully able to admit, now that I'm in publishing, I am one of those people who should never write a memoir, since it doesn't have three acts.  


This morning Yesterday morning I woke up at 5 am, walked the dogs, and then went to the car to drive a friend to the airport.  And discovered, someone had broken into my car, by shattering my front passenger side window.  They had obviously rifled through the glove box - and found nothing of interest.  They didn't even steal my radio (though, that's a good thing - for them - because it doesn't work).

Of course, this made me the worst most pleasant airport chauffeur ever.  And even though life often makes no sense, this like this tend to drive me crazy for all the obvious reasons.

1. The car was unlocked.  Certainly, if someone wanted to rifle through the glove box, they could have just opened the door.


2. A ten year old car held together by duct tape?  Really?  Someone thought there'd be something worth stealing in that car?  I fail to see the logic there.

I've decided when the window is fixed I may affix a note to any would-be window smashers just to alert them that if they are suffering from heartburn or a migraine, the car is in fact unlocked.  Or wait...maybe that's not my best idea.

*And yes, I apologize to all those people out there who believe automobiles are sacred.  I am actually very aware that all of the demons inhabiting my vehicle have taken up residence due to neglect.  Poor car.

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Rissa Watkins said...

Sorry this happened to you.

We had the same problem with my husband's ten-year-old car. The last time someone broke in, they busted out the window and bled all over the place. They too got nothing.

I hope that cut got infected and they got a huge scar from it.

Shelley Watters said...

Sorry to hear about your car!

Mardel said...

No real logic in this type of thing. Although if it were someone looking to steal things of value they wouldn't have looked in your car, based on the duct tape. However, there are people out there whose brains are a bit fried from drug use, and they will break into anything, rifle through things, and sometimes take the oddest things. They're not running on all cylinders themselves.

That would totally piss me off though - to find my car with a broken window when it was unlocked.

Hope nothing else happens to your car.

Christi Goddard said...

I had a piece of crap car a few years back that I never locked and people would go, "OMG, aren't you going to lock it? Someone might steal it!" I'd look at them, then look at the car and say, "Pft. I wish. Look at it. It's the safest car in the parking lot."

Josin L. McQuein said...

Obviously, someone mistook your objet d'art (<--- interpret as you wish) for the cleverly disguised vehicle of a superspy. They thought they were going to find priceless state secrets (or more priceless BEA swag!) hidden inside. Either that, or one of the Shark's stalkerish fans thought they'd discovered the *real* hiding place for YOU.

(This was meant to be humorous, and hopefully cheer you up, but I'm running on 1.1 hours of sleep or so and it may not even be in English or exist at all. If I imagined coming to your blog and posting, assume I have no life worth dreaming about beyond visiting agent blogs and ignore me.)


kah said...

LOL. Sorry I'm laughing, but it is a funny story. Reminds me of the bank robbers caught on tape who couldn't get out of the bank. They kept throwing themselves against the door trying to get it to open, but it was a pull, not push, door.

So sad, yet very funny.

I do think the note might invite more criminals, so probably best to take your chances.

Hope your weekend is great and makes up for the mishap.

Unknown said...

Ahaa that is so awful yet hilarious!

Kristin Halbrook said...

I'm sorta speechless. And that doesn't happen very often. <3

Francis said...

My best friend Simon just got his new car yesterday. Prior to his Mazda3, he had a 1999 Civic, and a door that wouldn't lock. Just one.

One day he goes to bed in his downtown Montréal apartment, post-party. The next morning, he hops in the car and drives to work.

It smells weird.

He stops at Tim Hortons (which is our national Starbucks, and is just as good but cheaper. Not sure if they have grande soy no foam chai lattés, but whatever)and get himself an X-Large Mocha.

He goes to work, and as he steps out of the car and reaches for his coat... he sees it: a pile of puke, and some skid-marked white underwear.

A homeless had found shelter in his civic 1999, and thanked him by leaving puke and shitty underwear behind.

Criminals lack decorum if you ask me. Where has the proper criminal etiquette gone to?

Sorry for your trouble! Gotta be thankful for duct tape though... it works for everything.

Cynthia Reese said...

ROFL! So did you haul out the duct tape to fix the smashed window?

Patty Blount said...

Oh, no. Sorry about the rotten luck. But great post!

Little Ms J said...

I sort of have bad car luck. The first time my car was broken into I had stupidly packed it the night before since I was driving across the country from Florida to Las Vegas. Gone was a $2k professional camera that I was BORROWING from my dad's girlfriend, every CD I owned and the car was egged. Egg doesn't come out when sun bleaches it. Fantastic.

Cut to Vegas. $150 Best Buy gift card stolen from console. No Christmas for brother in law.

Two weeks ago a cop knocked on my door at 6 a.m. to tell me that the contents of my trunk (birthday presents) were strewn about my driveway. At least they got that ugly picture frame.

Last week my husband's radio was stolen.

I am thinking I should settle for a bicycle, but I hate those padded shorts. They make me look silly.


Remilda Graystone said...

lol, this happened to us as well. Except whoever broke into the car was courteous enough to open the unlocked door. This happened about a month after someone had robbed our house and stolen plenty of valuables (including my laptop, which had my almost-complete dearly beloved in it).

"A ten year old car held together by duct tape? Really? Someone thought there'd be something worth stealing in that car? I fail to see the logic there."

Yeah, I agree. Some things just don't make sense.

Wishing you better car luck in the future!

Rebecca B said...

Poor car, and poor you! :(

At least you have to write a collection of personal essays though, because you can tell a funny story (or make a not-really-funny-at-all story into something really-funny) like few can.

readingkidsbooks said...

Poor you. Poor car. Stupid thieves. Gotta love duct tape though. It's saved my ass on many occasions.

Mame said...

It can always be worse (muy apologetic for the cliche).

Mine got ripped off, and as a starving artist, well, it has yet to be replaced. I am one seriously green individual in 2010.

WV- habidani (the magic word to undo broken glass?)