Confessions

If you haven't seen it yet...

2012-01-31T10:55:00.001-05:00

The fabulous Agent and Editor video:

If you're bored...

2012-01-24T11:46:00.002-05:00

I discovered this blog today.

And this post is my favorite. It stars Janet Reid.

Happy Book Release to TEMPEST!

2012-01-18T13:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the release day for Tempest by Julie Cross.

We celebrated at Books of Wonder with a five author signing.

Each author spoke about their book and answered audience questions, and then they signed copies for readers.

Here are the fabulous authors with their newest books: Beth Revis (A Million Suns), Julie, Megan Miranda (Fracture), Maureen Lipinski (Shadow's Edge), and Carrie Ryan (Dark and Hollow Places).

The Joy of Books

2012-01-10T11:48:00.001-05:00

Happy Holidays!

2011-12-22T23:41:00.002-05:00

In case you haven't seen this, my holiday gift to you:

Happy Release Day!

2011-12-20T09:23:00.000-05:00

Zombie Tag by Hannah Moskowitz is out today!

To see the rules and how to play zombie tag, click here.

ZOMBIE TAG Contest Winner

2011-12-17T22:23:00.000-05:00

I loved reading the entries for the Zombie Tag Contest. Some of the zombie descriptions creeped me out of course, but I suppose I was asking for it.

Best Professor
Professor John from Cloth Dragon 12:09 PM: The spatula he waved clashed with his Oxford image. Grease splattered the blackboard and dribbled through words in green chalk. Love, death, vase, and window.

Best Sacrifice
RachelMaryBean 12:38 PM

Best Use of My Typo, "DeathLove"
Marsha Sigman 6:05 PM

Best Eggs as Brains Analogy
Book Butler 9:27 PM

Best Zombie Romance Descriptions
abrielle1 11:48 PM

My Favorite Line
GS Marlene 3:02 PM: Her makeup must have been applied with a spatula.

Best News Report
Chris Patterson 4:53 PM

Best Zombie Names
Rachel Harrie 8:31 PM

Creepiest!
caccindy 10:45 AM: "Then I heard the low moan and felt teeth on my head."

Best Voice (and best use of the Kansas City Shuffle!)
Alex 1:19 PM

Runner up
Reagan Phillips 3:19 PM

“Annie!”
I knew the voice, Paul Owens, football team captain.
Anticipation sped my heartbeat. Just hearing the rest of his pack chanting “tap that” made me want this more.
“You’re hard to catch.” He tossed and caught his football like some clever joke.
You could love a guy’s hair, but hate the rest of him.
“Walk you home?” He asked.
My heart fluttered; I was about to squash him—he was like a cockroach against a spatula.
“You know the kid with Downs?”
“Yeah! Zombie boy eat brains!” He chanted.
“He’s my brother.”
“Fumble.” A teammate coughed.
Death to pride.

And the winner is...

DavidSimon4449

Welcome to the Kill Grill, have a seat. Relax, your secret’s safe with me. You can drape yourself in entrails and fool the deadheads, but I can clock a live one, being one myself. Turns out, zombies love their meat cooked, so they let us live, long as we serve up our fellow man. It’s a living. What’s that? Us are me and the big fella back there with the spatula, my cook, Brother Deathlove. Got “death” and “love” tattooed on his knuckles. Says “hate” lacks commitment. Here’s your grub, better act like ya like it. Wanna live? Eat brains!

Email me your address and I'll send you the book!

A Year in NY

2011-12-09T09:02:00.000-05:00

My sister emailed me a link to this video and said it was pretty awesome. It is.

Win a Copy of ZOMBIE TAG!

2011-12-05T10:17:00.000-05:00

This is the fabulous debut novel by Hannah Moskowitz, and you have a chance to win it!

Here's what you've have to do.

Write a story, one hundred words or fewer, using these words:

Zombie
Spatula
Brother
DeathLove

Bonus Points if you use the phrase "Eat brains!"

Contest open internationally. It starts NOW, and runs through midnight Thursday December 8th. Post your entry in the comments section.

Enter as many times as you want.

First Page Shooter #13

2011-12-02T11:00:00.000-05:00

Word Count: 78,000
Title: The Morphine Murders

Original Text:

Raina tensed as Tyler embraced her with a tenderness that contradicted his strength. He brushed the back of his hand along her cheek and swept her dark hair from her face. She felt his heartbeat while he held her against his chest, placed his hand at the back of her head, and kissed her for the first time. Raina relaxed into his arms.

Together they reclined onto the couch, still entwined and engaged in their kiss. She opened her eyes and focused beyond Tyler to the high ceiling of his living room. It seemed so far away, as did Danny, her boyfriend.

The thought of Danny burned her already flushed face. Raina put her hands flat against Tyler’s chest. His warmth heated her palms, making her hesitate. She wanted to pull him back to her, but instead watched him move away without any resistance.

“I should go,” she said.

She adjusted her tank top and pulled her hair into a clip. Tyler touched her shoulder and followed her to the door as though nothing was wrong. They gazed at each other, momentarily allowing their passion to erase all other thoughts. She squeezed his hand and then headed to her car, already anticipating the awkwardness for when she saw him at work the following day.

She sped away with the convertible top up. As his house disappeared from sight in her rearview mirror, her phone rang.

“I know, I know. I’m late. I’ll explain when I get there,” Raina said.

How? How was she going to explain?

With Suzie's Comments:

Before we start, I have two main problems with this.

1. It's a lot of telling. I don't feel what the character is feeling, and there should be a lot of emotion here.

2. I also feel really dropped into the middle of things. And while I usually like being dropped in the middle of the action, I'm wondering if this is a right moment. I feel more confused and a little turned off than intrigued.

Raina tensed (why? Is this good tense or bad tense?) as Tyler embraced her with a tenderness that contradicted his strength (I do like this detail about him). He brushed the back of his hand along her cheek (the back of his hand? that's an odd way to do it, isn't it?) and swept her dark hair from her face. (what else does she feel? This should be swoonworthy, right?) She felt his heartbeat while he held her against his chest.~~, placed his hand at the back of her head, and kissed her for the first time.~~ (Describe the kiss. If this is the FIRST KISS and this is supposed to be swoonworthy, draw it out a little more) Raina relaxed into his arms.

Together they reclined onto the couch, still entwined and engaged in their kiss. She opened her eyes and focused beyond Tyler to the high ceiling of his living room. It seemed so far away, as did Danny, her boyfriend.

Reclining on the couch threw me off guard a little. I guess because I'd been imagining them standing. It feels awkward. As the transition to her thoughts of Danny doesn't work. She notices the high ceiling? How boring must that kiss have been? And oh yeah, her boyfriend is far away. It's too anticlimactic. And it makes her seem very nonchalant and unemotional.

The thought of Danny burned her already flushed face. Raina put her hands flat against Tyler’s chest. His warmth heated her palms, making her hesitate. She wanted to pull him back to her, but instead watched him move away without any resistance.

Now they both seem unemotional...

“I should go,” she said.

She adjusted her tank top and pulled her hair into a clip. Tyler touched her shoulder and followed her to the door as though nothing was wrong. They gazed at each other, momentarily allowing their passion to erase all other thoughts. (huh? What passion? Show that passion somehow.) She squeezed his hand and then headed to her car, already anticipating the awkwardness for when she saw him at work the following day.

~~She sped away with the convertible top up.~~ As his house disappeared from sight in her rearview mirror, her phone rang.

“I know, I know. I’m late. I’ll explain when I get there,” Raina said.

How? How was she going to explain?

I don't feel anxious for Raina, because I don't feel like I know anything about her yet. And I don't relate to her yet. We need to know more about her, about Tyler, about why she's making out with him while Danny is at home, if I'm going to be hooked and want to read more.

The Query Contest Advice Part II (aka Stand Out!)

2011-11-30T13:10:00.001-05:00

Confession: I'm about to give advice that is much easier to say than to do.

Here it is:
Your query has to grab an agent. Which means you have to show them how your book will stand out in a tough marketplace and sometimes an overcrowded genre.

This is the number one reason I passed on queries. I didn't count how many times I said this, but it was a lot. And I mean ALOT!

I understand that's tough to take. It would be a lot easier if my comments were "hey, I was turned off by this inaccuracy in paragraph 2" or even "you didn't tell me anything about our book" or something else.

Saying, "Eh, I'm just not grabbed" is similar to that terrible, "I liked it but I didn't love it" response. There's not much that's constructive. If I were a writer, I would read that and think Great, what do I DO with that response.

So here's what you do.

Start your query over. As a draft it's obviously not terrible, but it's not working. And I'm recommending starting over rather than revising because it's only a page and it's hard to revise a spark into something.

Once you've committed to starting over, think about your main character. What are the things that you love about your character? What aspects of your character are unique and special? What makes your character stand out in a sea of main characters from a similar genre?

Now, maybe your character is unique and awesome because she's a strong kickass female protagonist who's dealing with complex moral and philosophical issues and she's going to stand out in the sea of Bella Swan's because she's different. She's not going to rely on a guy to solve her problems! That's awesome. But you can't tell us that in your query. You have to show it.

So think about some books you like that have characters like this and how you knew right from the beginning that you were willing to follow this character. In this case you'd think of Katniss Everdeen from Hunger Games or Beatrice Prior from Divergent.

Let me give you an example. In honor of its sequel Wild Thing which comes out 2/8/2011, let me bring up Beat the Reaper. This is a dark and gritty crime novel. It's actually not my typical read. I'd heard a lot about it--all good things!--so I was excited to read, but also a little skeptical. But right away, I was hooked by Dr. Peter Brown!

And by right away, I mean by the first line:
"So I'm on my way to work and I stop to watch a pigeon fight a right in the snow, and some fuckhead tries to mug me!"

This is not your typical doctor, and he's got personality. There's more and it's awesome, of course, but right with that line, I found him interesting. Which is what you want--someone to be interested in your character.

So how does this translate to a query? It's hard. It's really hard. My best advice is to look at good examples.

I was grabbed by Emilia Plater's main character Riley because when she was faced with getting texts from her dead boyfriend's phone number, she wanted to find out who was doing it so she could "punch that creep in the face."

I was super intrigued by PREMEDITATED's main character Dinah when I saw the query on Queryshark--not because of anything explicitly stated, but because what kind of girl drastically changes her appearance and changes schools and sets out to ruin a boy? One I want to know more about.

Then think about your plot. You already have that old query you wrote, so you know how to explain your plot concisely. Now think of your hook. What is it that's going to make this plot seem new and different.

This summer I told myself I needed a break from paranormal YA. I wasn't going to request anymore paranormal. And then I got a query for an awesome paranormal with a mystery and I had to find out more. And the key here was that it was a mystery, complete with a murder and clues to catch the killer, which was different for YA paranormal.

Once you've thought about it and looked at examples, open up a new document and rewrite your query. Try to make your character come off the page. Try to make your plot cause your read to slide to the edge of their seat and wail for more. It's possible, I promise.

After you've drafted it, revise. Have some writer friends look at it. Make tweaks. Perfect it.

And then query again.

The Query Contest Advice Part I, aka The Importance of Titles

2011-11-06T13:14:00.003-05:00

Last week I finished the query contest. *phew* Thanks to everyone for the wonderful praise and all that patience while I worked through technology issues and responded.

I requested 37 manuscripts!

I also gave out a lot of individualized advice in my replies. Some of my responses were as basic as "this just isn't for me" or "I don't represent this genre." There were times when I was confused by worldbuilding or when I didn't know what the book was about, but there were also instances where I saw some very easily fixable problems affecting a lot of people.

Here's a big one that surprised me.

THE IMPORTANCE OF TITLES

Answering this many queries in a row really emphasized this for me.

I read queries, where I saw a title and thought "That sounds so exciting!" which is the response you want. Obviously an exciting title and a not great query won't equal a request, but there were also queries I got, and the title was either a word I didn't understand, couldn't pronounce, or worse! sounded QUIET.

Your title should reflect the tone of your book. If you're writing a thriller, you don't want something long and poetic. And if you're writing something quiet and literary, you want a title that emphasizes your literary prowess.

While it's true that titles can change at a later stage in the publication process (and often do), it's really important for you to use what you have. And you have essentially a page to convince someone who doesn't know your story it's worth taking a look. So the title matters.

Even more so, when I send a requested manuscript to my kindle, the document and the title is how it's listed. So on the train, when I open up the kindle and try to decide what to read, all I've got to go on is titles. While I do really try to go in order there have been times when a title sticks out in my mind and draws my eye constantly. You want your manuscript to be the one calling to me, not something that looks confusing or even just bland.

Query Contest Update II

2011-11-06T11:46:00.000-05:00

The good news is that I've been working on some queries this weekend--among other things. I've requested a few manuscripts, and hopefully my feedback has been helpful.

The bad news is we're still having server problems. I've been sending emails from my personal address, which has been working, but it a little more time consuming.

I'd originally planned to try to get all these queries done by end of day tomorrow. I'm going to devote most of my day to queries tonight, but I might have to push back the deadline.

Also, and this is the real reason for the post, I've had a few emails bounce back. The error claims the email addresses have been "discontinued"--whatever that means--or are unavailable.

So k.powell@live.com and joshuaroots@yahoo.com, if you don't get a response it's because I can't reach you. Let me know if there's a better email to reach you via the comments and I'll send you my thoughts.

Query Contest Update

2011-11-02T08:40:00.001-04:00

Last night I checked, and I have 671 contest entries!

Unfortunately the auto responder is still broken, and if I’mgoing to respond individually to all of them, I might as well read them first!

So I’m starting in on them. I've even responded to a few already--I've even already requested one. I’ll keep posting updates as Iread, and when I finish, I’ll let everyone know so that if somehow your querygot missed, we’ll find it.

And for everyone who missed the contest, I’m sure I can bepersuaded to do it again!

And it's official!

2011-10-25T09:44:00.000-04:00

I've moved agencies. I'm now a full time agent at Nancy Coffey Literary, and I couldn't be happier. Feel free to check out my bio here.

Even more exciting, I'm reopening to queries on November 1st! (That's a week from today!) The agency's official submission guidelines are here, and I've included my guidelines + updated wishlist here.

And the most exciting news is that I will be celebrating my move to Nancy Coffey and my reopening to queries with a QUERY CONTEST!

Here are the details:

Canyou handle the truth?

Many writers want to know what an agent isreally thinking when they pass on a query, right? You want the truth...but canyou handle the truth? Well next week I will respond to the queries I receivein complete honesty. You may see something as simple as "Notbad, but just not for me." or "I don't represent legalthrillers." OR you may see something like "I stopped reading when youmentioned that the mailman was a vampire space zombie who has come to deliver amessage of PAIN. Because come on...seriously?"

So, if you want the truth, query me next Tuesday morning, between 9-10 am EDT (as in the time it is in NY). Read on for the rules.

Rules:

The contest will be open for only ONE HOUR.
Queries must be submitted to Query(at)nancycoffeyliterary(dot)com between the hours of 9:00am EST and 10:00am EST Tuesday, November 1st, 2011. Any queries submitted before or after those times will not be qualified to enter and considered only as a regular query.
All queries entered must have this in the subject line: QUERY CONTEST - Yes, I can handle the truth
If it does not have this in the subject line, it will be considered a regular query only.
Queries must be in the body of the email. NO attachments!
Queries must be one-page length long, size 12 font. That's ONE PAGE ONLY!
No manuscript pages attached or included at all.
You will receive our usual auto-response. If you do not receive an auto-response, resend!

I will respond to allqueries entered in the contest by Monday (11/7/11) at 5pm EST.

Further Guidelines:

Yes, if you've already been rejected you may resubmit your query. I will read (if submitted in the correct time frame) and let you know why it's been rejected. Don't say "You already rejected me..." Treat it like you've never queried her before.
Your queries will NOT be posted on this or any other blog. I will reply to you via your e-mail, only.
You must treat this as an actual query process, which means you need to have a complete manuscript. If I do request your manuscript, I don't want to find out there isn't one!

The Art of Pitching

2011-10-24T09:30:00.000-04:00

I've done several conferences in 2011. Actually I've done a lot, or ALOT. This means, I've taken a lot of pitches. Some were better than others of course, and there are some basic Dos and Donts when pitching to agents and editors out there. I even talked about some a year ago.

But there is one thing, that almost every writer who's pitched to me recently has struggled with:

COMPARABLE TITLES

And believe it or not, this is really important. As an agent, I want to know comparable titles for two reasons.

1. Comparable titles tell me the targeted audience for a manuscript, it gives me a better idea of whether I might like it, it gives me a better idea of where I might sell it, how I might pitch it, how editors could pitch the book to their sales team.

and

2. Comparable titles also tell me how well-read the writer is when it comes to their own genre. I can't tell you how important I think this is--that writers read in their genre--and it's a huge mood kill in a pitch when I ask a writer who's pitching me a MG manuscript for comp titles and they tell me they don't really read children's books.

So if you're pitching to an agent or an editor--or even if you're just writing a novel, make sure you read in your genre. Especially those books that are bestsellers. People are buying and liking them for a reason. Try to figure out what it is.

Then think about your audience. People who are going to buy your book are most likely going to be people who frequent bookstores and at least buy and read a few books a year. Non readers are most likely not going to wander into a bookstore, stumble upon your book, and buy it (sad but true). Which means, most book buyers have books or authors they like. What kind of book buyers are going to buy your book and tell their friends about it?

Be realistic and be honest. It's no good saying you've written Twilight meets Harry Potter meets The Da Vinci Code since those are three different genres and are frankly overdone in terms of comparisons.

A sweeter paranormal YA might be comparable to Paranormalcy by Kiersten White.

A dark urban fantasy with a kickass female protagonist and a well developed world might be comparable to Kim Harrison's Hollows Series.

A fast paced thriller with a slight science fiction bent might be comparable to The Breach by Patrick Lee.

Writers don't necessarily need a tight logline (Indiana Jones meets Percy Jackson), though if you have one that works, it won't hurt. But saying that your manuscript will appeal to readers of Kelley Armstrong and Jeaniene Frost will go a long way.

Adventures in Vancouver

2011-10-21T01:37:00.003-04:00

Today didn't start out so well. I woke up at 3:30 am, which is always a bad sign. I walked both by dogs and then took a car to Newark airport. My driver wasn't exactly awesome (we had a few moments I was sure we were going to die), but we made it there in 27 minutes (a new record, I think). Check in went okay, but the woman who took my bag had a terrible disposition (not that I can really blame her, who wants to work at 4:45 am or at Newark), and then some random guy in the airport asked me for money on my way to security.

But it got better. Way better.

I saw this fabulous book in the airport:

Then I flew into Vancouver for the Surrey International Writers Conference. Air Canada had outlets so I could PLUG IN (so awesome), and I discovered, Vancouver is a pretty awesome city.

Of course, there was the minor hiccup when I first arrived at my hotel in Surrey because George W and Bill were doing a Summit at my hotel, and I had to go through literally 12 checkpoints and show my passport and explain that "I was on the security approved list" before I finally made it.

But the lovely and talented Sheryl McFarlane picked me up in Surrey and took me back to Vancouver. And while I
1. Love NY
and
2. Don't want to go anywhere colder
I found that I could see Vancouver being my kind of city.

So here are Sheryl's and my adventures in Vancouver told in pictures.

the view from the Granville Island public market

Where we saw some of the coolest local artists ever, including Michelle Vulama who paints on stone(!). I still can't get over how amazing she was.

this bird watched me eat

these two did too

we parked under this tree at Stanley Park

and I've never been so awed by trees

we strolled through the park

until we got to the AQUARIUM!

where we saw fishes

starfishes

sea anemones

belugas!

sea otters!

dolphins!

and sea lions!

at Prospect Point, we checked out the views

(that's the North Shore)

we checked out the anthropology museum

specifically it's backyard (WOW!)

And then I finished off the night with some awesome sushi, and thankfully the Summit (and protestors) departed from my hotel in Surrey. It was a fabulous day.

Calling All Picture Book Writers!

2011-09-26T10:33:00.000-04:00

MeeGenius is a digital publishing company that does picture book apps for the iPhone, iPad, iTouch, Google TV, and the web. They're a fast-growing company, and in addition to publishing original digital picture books, one of their goals is to become a community for children's book writers and illustrators; a place for them to get to know each other, learn more about publishing, exchange ideas, and get published online! To that end, they're launching a "Book Challenge," and are inviting writers to submit manuscripts.

They're looking for The Next Great Children's Book Author.

Get the details HERE.

A Peek Into a Pitch Letter

2011-09-21T10:40:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, the fabulous Mindee Arnett posted her query as well as some query tips which she felt helped her find me and get my attention.

(Check out the query and those tips when you get a chance, I told myself I wasn't going to sign new clients or go out with new projects this summer unless I found something that Blew. Me. Away. and Mindee certainly did.)

But this got me thinking (I do a lot of that), and I asked Mindee for permission to post the letter I used when pitching to editors.

The Fabulous Mindee

The first thing I did when preparing for submission was make a submission list--I made a list of the editors I thought would love Mindee's writing style and the character's voice, as well as be hooked by the story. Then I looked at some of their (or their imprint's recent acquisitions) and pitched the project to a few colleagues for practice and some of them said "Oh, put this editor on your list."

Once I had my submission list, I was going to send to 10 editors.

So I made the calls.

For THE NIGHTMARE AFFAIR, which I pitched as Paranormalcy meets Hex Hall, I explained to editors that I got Mindee's query right before a conference. While there I read the whole thing, and then I called her the Monday morning I left for New Zealand, because I knew it couldn't wait until I got back.

Everyone eagerly requested to see the manuscript, and I sent it to them with this letter:

[Editor],

Here it is--THE NIGHTMARE AFFAIR by Mindee Arnett. I hope you love it :)

16-year-old Dusty Everhart breaks into houses late at night, but not because she’s a criminal. No, she’s a Nightmare. Literally. Dusty is a magical being who feeds on human dreams.

Being the only Nightmare at Arkwell Academy, a boarding school for magickind, and living in the shadow of her mother’s infamy is hard enough. But when Dusty sneaks into Eli Booker’s house, things get a whole lot more complicated. He’s hot, which means sitting on his chest and invading his dreams couldn’t get much more embarrassing. But it does. Eli is dreaming of a murder. The setting is Arkwell.

And then it comes true.

Now the Dusty has to follow the clues--both within Eli’s dreams and out of them--to stop the killer before more people turn up dead. And before the killer learns what she’s up to and marks her as the next target.

Mindee Arnett’s debut novel, THE NIGHTMARE AFFAIR (80,000 words), is Paranormalcy meets Hex Hall. Mindee lives in Ohio with her husband, two children, four horses, four dogs, and a plethora of cats. Her short stories have appeared in various magazines, and she has a Master of Arts in English Literature with an emphasis in Creative Writing. She also blogs and tweets--and she’s hard at work on her next novel.

Best,

Suzie Townsend

So if you check out Mindee's query, this is a little different, but I definitely used her query as a springboard.

And for those of you who like statistics, THE NIGHTMARE AFFAIR officially sold to Whitney Ross at Tor Teen in 16 days.

Read for Relief!

2011-09-16T21:57:00.000-04:00

In case you haven't seen it, a group of fabulous authors--including Erin Bowman whose novel THE LAICOS PROJECT is fantastic! and the lovely Sarah Enni who I had the pleasure of meeting during BEA this year--are doing an auction to support the Red Cross after Hurricane Irene left a lot of devastation in her wake.

You can Donate Directly--or you can bid on a number of fabulous items up for auction.

Such as...

A critique from the brilliant Sarah Goldberg. (I know how brilliant she is, trust me.) Her notes on manuscripts are even better than mine. Saturday 9/17 is the last day to bid.

Gay Characters in YA

2011-09-14T11:00:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I read an article in PW about agents asking authors to make gay characters straight. And it got me thinking. There's maybe another side to this story.

I have to say my favorite books with gay characters are books that are Great Books first and books that just happen to have characters who are gay.

Take Gone, Gone, Gone by Hannah Moskowitz. It's brilliant. And yes, Hannah is my client, but I have a confession--this might be my favorite Hannah Moskowitz book. But it's a fabulous story set during the DC sniper shootings of 2002, with two teenage boys trying to make sense of their lives and falling in love in the process.

One of my favorite series to read as a YA fangirl is The Mortal Instruments series by Cassandra Clare. Without any spoilers for those who haven't read it, there's a fantastic character who's a little in love with his best friend. And the longing, the tension, the heartache that those feelings aren't returned...it's all so real and amazing. (And who doesn't know what it's like to have a crush on a friend, who really doesn't feel that way back?")

I'm frustrated with the hit you over the head books that sound preachy or books with gay characters that feel like that's their only characterization, like they exist in the story just for the sake of hitting a hot topic. I want more books that are just great stories, stories with complex characters I identify with because I know what it feels like to have to let go of an ex in order to fall in love with someone new, stories that present characters as real fully rounded people who just happen to also be gay, rather than cliched, one dimensional, or "token."

What are some other books with Great Stories and Great Characters (that happen to be gay)?

First Page Shooter #12

2011-09-06T11:00:00.000-04:00

Word Count: 50,000

Original Text:

Guys have been known to do some pretty dumb shit because of women. Take the Trojan war, for example--Coach Wilder, who’s also our literature teacher (budget cuts) is making us read the Iliad this year. Basically, before Homer’s story begins, some king gets pissed because this other guy steals his girl. And to make a long story short (which the Iliad does not do), all hell breaks loose. All because some gods want to settle an argument. Just goes to show, gods make mistakes, too. I should know. My brother, Jupiter, is one. A high school god. Or at least he was one. Which made me like a demi-god or something—no, more like Hades. The unseen one.

As of right now, I’m not sure what I am. Or what my brother is for that matter. Presently, he’s standing on the sidewalk on the cross streets of Main and Fourth—right outside Jabberwocky Hardware. And as me and the other guys on the hockey team walk past the Butterfly Café towards Dick’s Burgers, I don’t recognize him. But when I do, I notice is his feet before I notice anything else—or more accurately what’s on his feet. He’s wearing roller skates. Roller skates.

And the freakin’ skates aren’t even the half of it.

His legs are encased in black fishnet stockings. His muscles—muscles defined by years of hockey--look different—womanly—underneath the twisted nylon. Over his Stadium High gym shorts, he’s wearing a black-and-green-colored tutu.

With Suzie's Comments:

Um, I love this. Just have to say that to start.

Guys have been known to do some pretty dumb shit because of women. Right here, I know I love the voice. This first line made me sit up and pay attention. I've known some guys who did some dumb shit too.

I think this would be even more readable with some more paragraph breaks so that's why I've inserted them.

Take the Trojan war, for example--Coach Wilder, who’s also our literature teacher (budget cuts) haha, love it is making us read the Iliad this year. Basically, before Homer’s story begins, some king gets pissed because this other guy steals his girl. Excellent teenage summary :) And to make a long story short (which the Iliad does not do) awesome!, all hell breaks loose. All because some gods want to settle an argument.

Just goes to show, gods make mistakes, too. I should know. My brother, Jupiter, is one. A high school god. Or at least he was one. I love this introduction to Jupiter. For a second I was afraid he was going to be a real God. I was happy to see he's a high school one and I'm excited to read more about Jupiter's fall from godhood if that's what's coming. Which made me like a demi-god or something—no, more like Hades. The unseen one. I like this, and I'm also guessing at this point that our narrator is also a boy. I wasn't quite sure, though I was leaning towards "boy" but now I'm more convinced.

As of right now, I’m not sure what I am. Or what my brother is for that matter. Presently, he’s standing on the sidewalk on the cross streets of Main and Fourth—right outside Jabberwocky Hardware. And as me and the other guys on the hockey team walk past the Butterfly Café towards Dick’s Burgers, I don’t recognize him. But when I do, I notice is his feet before I notice anything else—or more accurately what’s on his feet. He’s wearing roller skates. Roller skates.

And the freakin’ skates aren’t even the half of it.

His legs are encased in black fishnet stockings. Do teenage boys know what fishnets are? His muscles—muscles defined by years of hockey--look different—womanly—underneath the twisted nylon. muscles defined by years of hockey sounds out of voice for me--it sounds like something one of my parents would have said, but not a teenager. Same with womanly. I'm not sure how old our MC is yet, but I think it might say his brother is wearing tights and his legs look girlie or something less well-thought out, if that makes sense. Over his Stadium High gym shorts, he’s wearing a black-and-green-colored tutu.

This is fabulous! I love the voice, and I'm so interested in the dynamic between our MC and Jupiter, and I can't wait to find out what girl has influenced Jupiter into wearing this get up. I'd definitely keep reading.

First Page Shooter #11--REVISED

2011-09-01T10:57:00.000-04:00

Sci Fi Dystopian138,000 words

New Text:

General Lucian Devereaux strode the Cliffhanger’s halls with anger pulsing in his temples like a second heartbeat. He paid little attention to the two men in black and their captive who hung his head and dragged his feet as though half-asleep. The men saluted the general as they passed him, then continued to the top of a descending staircase. It whirred to life, taking the prisoner into the abyss that was the concentration camp’s dungeon.

After pausing to straighten the collar of his deep green jacket, Lucian walked on. Despite his rage, he needed to remain presentable for the upcoming conference – as presentable as he was for every event he attended. He tried slicking back that unruly strand of hair that hung over his right eye, but it remained untamable as ever, doing nothing to help his mood. Frowning, the general stepped onto the main staircase and murmured, “Tenth floor.”

Work days at the Hanger were never pleasant, but today’s happenings had nearly driven him to the edge. Lucian tightened his grip on the parchment in his hand.

The tenth floor, like the eleventh and twelfth, was reserved for the most important military figures. He didn't bother knocking before stepping inside the conference room.

Dim lighting rendered Lucian momentarily blind. 3-D projections of paintings flickered inside depressions in the walls, giving the room a muted glow. Two seated military figures awaited Lucian around a table.

“Well?” he asked them.

“No luck, General Devereaux,” said Acker in his high-pitched voice. “Whoever this rebel is, he’s keeping a low profile.”

With Suzie's Comments:

According to the author, we're starting with a different scene as a first one, and we're in the perspective of the main character this time.

General Lucian Devereaux strode the Cliffhanger’s halls with anger pulsing in his temples ~~like a second heartbeat~~. "Pulsing" gives the same impression as the second heartbeat simile. He paid little attention to the two men in black and their captive who hung his head and dragged his feet ~~as though half-asleep~~. Again, the image of him is strong without the repetitive figurative language. The men saluted the general as they passed him, then continued to the top of a descending staircase. It whirred to life, taking the prisoner into the abyss that was the concentration camp’s dungeon. The staircase "whirred to life"? I'm confused... After reading this paragraph a few times I think I have an accurate portrayal of what's happening, but it took me a few reads to figure it out.

After pausing to straighten the collar of his deep green jacket, Lucian walked on. Despite his rage, he needed to remain presentable for the upcoming conference – as presentable as he was for every event he attended. He tried slicking back that unruly strand of hair that hung over his right eye, but it remained untamable as ever, doing nothing to help his mood. Frowning, the general stepped onto the main staircase and murmured, “Tenth floor.”

Work days at the Hanger were never pleasant, but today’s happenings had nearly driven him to the edge. Lucian tightened his grip on the parchment in his hand.

The tenth floor, like the eleventh and twelfth, was reserved for the most important military figures. He didn't bother knocking before stepping inside the conference room.

Dim lighting rendered Lucian momentarily blind. 3-D projections of paintings flickered inside depressions in the walls, giving the room a muted glow. Two seated military figures awaited Lucian around a table.

“Well?” he asked them.

“No luck, General Devereaux,” said Acker in his high-pitched voice. “Whoever this rebel is, he’s keeping a low profile.”

My main question here, is why did we start with this scene: Him walking to the conference room. Why not start with the conference? Why not start with a scene to show whatever is making Devereaux so mad? I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen.

If this scene is important as a starting point, I'd rather get more of a concrete image of what happens to the prisoner in the first paragraph as well as imagery about Cliffhanger (what does it smell like in a place like that? sound like?--there are a lot of possibilities), and then get right to the conference room.

I'm not sure I care that he's wearing a green jacket or that he needs to be presentable or that he has an unruly strand of hair hanging over his right eye--is this stuff important for an opening scene?

And rather than be told "work days at the Hanger were never pleasant"--I want to see it instead.

Original Text:

It was said that nobody knew how to reach the doors of the black tower from the outside – nobody but generals Acker and Devereaux. Officer Myron Kline had been flown in with a jet, and though the tower's sentries were ordered not to shoot on this occasion, he hadn't felt at ease until making contact with the ground.

Sunset was approaching, but the overcast sky trapped the sun's glow between layers of mist. The sea churned under low, thick clouds, licking the sides of a cliff that protruded over the water like a blade of steel. The young officer’s uniform was damp from the sea’s spray, but he barely noticed this as he strode towards the cliff’s peak. There, rising into the clouds, loomed the tower made of lustrous black onyx.

Repressing a shiver, Myron now noticed how closely it teetered to the raging waters below.

On the other hand, he could see the appeal of building the tower on such a treacherous terrain: it ensured a difficult time for those foolish enough to attempt escape. The camp hadn’t been baptized Cliffhanger for nothing, and he was now one of the few who knew the reasoning behind its name. A slip of the tongue concerning the Cliffhanger meant heavy punishment under the orders of General Devereaux, but the young officer had no intention of making such a mistake now that he was in the general’s employment.

He'd already sworn the oath of silence, and those who broke it didn't live to tell the tale.

With Suzie's Comments:

First, a note on word count. 138k is borderline too long. It does depend on genre, and this one didn't say what it was, but when you have a long word count, make sure that every scene is developing the character and pushing the plot forward. And maybe go through and make sure you are using words to their best advantage. You don't want to be saying something in 20 words when it can be said just as well in 15.

It was said that nobody knew how to reach the doors of the black tower from the outside – nobody but generals Acker and Devereaux. Officer Myron Kline had been flown in with a jet, and though the tower's sentries were ordered not to shoot on this occasion, he hadn't felt at ease until making contact with the ground. I'm not sure I like the first line--I like it in the sense that it's a good line, but I don't like it as an opening. I don't know what the black tower is. It's black and it's a tower and if no one can reach the doors it seems sort of ominous, but because I don't really know enough, I think that I don't feel the trepidation like I should. Plus, two last names of two guys not on page have just been thrown my way right before introducing a third name, presumably the character I'm following. It might be more beneficial to open with a line about Officer Myron Kline and what he sees approaching the black tower--show me what it is please--and then tell me no one knows where the doors are and that's why he's been flown in by jet. Then the introduction of the tower PLUS the sentries orders (omg!) will make me feel as nervous as Myron.

Sunset was approaching, but the overcast sky trapped the sun's glow between layers of mist. The sea churned under low, thick clouds, licking the sides of a cliff that protruded over the water like a blade of steel. The young officer’s uniform was damp from the sea’s spray, but he barely noticed this as he strode towards the cliff’s peak. There, rising into the clouds, loomed the tower made of lustrous black onyx. This is a nice descriptive paragraph, but I still don't know what the tower looks like. How/Where is he striding if he was being flown in? Also, some of the descriptive words here are counterproductive to setting the tone. This seems sort of pretty to me. But if the tower is supposed to give Myron shivers (like it does below), I want a creepy description of the area. It could even be sort of pretty but contrasted with the black toward, it looks wrong. I don't know but lustrous black onyx says pretty jewelry to me, not creepy ominous tower.

Repressing a shiver, Myron now noticed how closely it teetered to the raging waters below. Raging waters? I thought they were licking the cliffs, that seemed calm to me.

On the other hand, he could see the appeal of building the tower on such a treacherous terrain: I need more evidence of how the terrain is treacherous it ensured a difficult time for those foolish enough to attempt escape. The camp hadn’t been baptized Cliffhanger for nothing, and he was now one of the few who knew the reasoning behind its name. What reason? Did I miss something? A slip of the tongue concerning the Cliffhanger meant heavy punishment under the orders of General Devereaux, but the young officer had no intention of making such a mistake now that he was in the general’s employment.

He'd already sworn the oath of silence, and those who broke it didn't live to tell the tale. I really like this last line--it's in my opinion the best line of the excerpt, and because of it I think I'd turn the page and read one more to see if my interest could be grabbed. This line gives me the sense of danger and intrigue. I want to know what he has to be silent about!

First Page Shooter #10--REVISED

2011-08-29T09:58:00.001-04:00

78,000-word urban fantasy

We have a revision!

Revised Text

Graham’s memory wasn’t getting any better. The car accident happened more than six months ago and when he woke up in the hospital to doctors questioning him about his phone number and address, he couldn’t give them more than a single name—Karl. There were no faces or happy memories from his childhood, there was just a name; and soon it was lost to become yet another hole.

When he was discharged from the hospital, the doctor told him the recovery process could be slow and he would need to be patient, though he never mentioned his mind would grow so weak he would be practically living hour to hour. Key moments in his life, like his graduation from high school or his first kiss, gradually started coming back, though they were never clear and Graham saw these images from a distance. He was certain these events had taken place at some time—they had to—but the more he tried to attach himself, the less he belonged.

After his past was filled with enough cracks to keep him locked in his apartment for fear that he wouldn’t find his way home, Graham knew it was time to start researching; but no matter how many times he renewed the library books on medical disorders or scoured the internet for similar amnesia cases, he couldn’t find anything that would help his memories come back. Most of the advice was the same—follow a healthy diet, get more sleep, drink hot beverages, practice relaxation techniques—and for several months, Graham lived by these regimes, convinced he would find his way back.

With Suzie's Comments

Graham’s memory wasn’t getting any better. Still love this first line! The car accident happened more than six months ago. I like that I know how it happened, but this sentence felt really jerky. ~~and w~~When he woke up in the hospital ~~to doctors questioning him about his phone number and address,~~ he couldn’t give ~~them~~ doctors more than a single name—Karl. Huh? But his name is Graham. Who's Karl? This is more confusing. There were no faces or happy memories from his childhood, I like this! there was just a name; and soon it was lost to become yet another hole. This is too vague or too metaphorical. Karl is lost?

When he was discharged from the hospital, the doctor told him the recovery process could be slow and he would need to be patient, This clause is a very generic "this is what doctors say in a case like this" statement. As a result, it should be said very quickly (Doctors told him recovery would be slow,) and then move on, readers want to know what makes this story unique. though he never mentioned his mind would grow so weak he would be practically living hour to hour. Clear up the pronoun usage here--it's hard to read and understand who all the he's are. And how is his mind growing "so weak"--what does that mean? What does living hour to hour mean? Is this like in the movie Memento where he has to write notes to himself because he can't make new short term memories, or is it something different? Key moments in his life, like his graduation from high school or his first kiss, gradually started coming back, they do come back? This seems contradictory to the "his mind got weaker" statement. though ~~they were~~ never clear and ~~Graham~~ s~~aw these images~~ only from a distance. Tighten your sentences. (Though I'm not entirely sure what from a distance means). He was certain these events had taken place at some time—they had to—but the more he tried to attach himself, the less he belonged. What does this mean?

After he remembered enough to get over the ~~his past was filled with enough cracks to keep him locked in his apartment for~~ fear that he wouldn’t find his way home, Graham knew it was time to start researching.~~; b~~But no matter how many ~~times~~ library he renewed ~~the library books on medical disorders~~ or ~~scoured the internet for~~ similar ~~amnesia~~ cases he found on the internet, he couldn’t find anything that would help his memories come back. This sentence is entirely too long. I got lost in the second clause. (My edits are just an example of how you might make it more readable). Most of the advice was the same—follow a healthy diet, get more sleep, drink hot beverages, practice relaxation techniques—and for several months, Graham lived by these regimes, convinced he would find his way back. Is he convinced? This last statement seems at odds with what he's been feeling for the last few paragraphs.

So we definitely have more information about Graham and what's going on with his memory, but everything is still "telling"--and there's more of it now, which makes it feel more like an info dump.

My new suggestion is start with:

Graham's memory wasn't getting any better.

[Show us him standing at the bus and feeling whatever it is he's feeling since he can't remember what's going on]

[Have him decide to walk home]

[On the walk home, give us the info about the accident and those six months of more memory loss]

All in all, I think you need to decrease the narrative distance and allow readers to get more in touch with Graham.

Original Text

Graham’s memory wasn’t getting any better. Entire sections of his past were still missing from his thoughts and no matter how many times he renewed the library books on medical disorders or scoured the internet for similar amnesia cases, he couldn’t find anything that would help his memories come back. For the first few months he tried to ignore the ridiculous sites that told him to eat marinated almonds or peppered honey—he may as well have danced naked at the full moon—though soon he was willing to try anything. Most of the more reliable sources said ‘time’ was the best cure, but time was something Graham didn’t want to give up. Every day, every hour, his memories slipped away until he would find himself open-mouthed in the street, trying to remember which bus would take him back home.

He stood there now, watching as the thirty-one bus came and went, followed shortly after by the thirty-four and the thirty-five. He read the flashing neighborhood signs on the buses’ windshields, knowing that at least one of them would show him the destination he was hoping for. When he saw it, he’d know it was the right one. Wouldn’t he?

After waiting forty-five minutes for the bus he was sure stopped at his corner every ten, Graham decided to take the five-mile trek back to his apartment. The bus schedule may have been emptied from his mind, but the familiar city streets were not something he was likely to forget after training his muscle memory for the last twenty years.

With Suzie's Comments:

I picked this entry for first page shooter because the writing is well done and I'm interested in Graham's situation, but if the author did a few things different I would be so much more interested. Right now the excerpt is too telling. Especially in the beginning.

Graham’s memory wasn’t getting any better. I love this as an opening line. It gives us the problem right away. There's something wrong with his memory! Entire sections of his past were still missing from his thoughts and no matter how many times he renewed the library books on medical disorders or scoured the internet for similar amnesia cases, he couldn’t find anything that would help his memories come back. This is where I want MORE. Here I'm being told about his memory issue, but it's vague. I would be so much more interested, if I got more specific, unique, details about what was going on. "Entire sections of his past were still missing"--like what? how big are these sections? If they're still missing, how long have they been missing? Is this is a new problem? Is it getting worse? Is there a specific example of when he realized some of his memory was gone? Give me more details--really develop them so I can get a sense of the character and feel something for his situation. Next, he's done all this research and found nothing. Has he gone to a doctor yet? Again, I want more details--show me his frustration/his angst. For the first few months he tried to ignore the ridiculous sites that told him to eat marinated almonds or peppered honey—he may as well have danced naked at the full moon—though soon he was willing to try anything. I like the concept of the desperation here, but again I want more. What sites did he start with? What things did he try first? What was the moment he decided it would try eating marinated almonds--what drove him to that? Most of the more reliable sources said ‘time’ was the best cure, but time was something Graham didn’t want to give up. Every day, every hour, his memories slipped away until he would find himself open-mouthed in the street, trying to remember which bus would take him back home. Does he know what precipitated his memory loss? Was it an accident or did he just start forgetting stuff? What kind of things (other than the bus) has he been forgetting? We need more of a frame of reference--is the bus something that should be easy to remember? (I for one have never mastered the NYC bus system).

He stood there now, watching as the thirty-one bus came and went, followed shortly after by the thirty-four and the thirty-five. He read the flashing neighborhood signs on the buses’ windshields, knowing that at least one of them would show him the destination he was hoping for. When he saw it, he’d know it was the right one. Wouldn’t he? This is an interesting paragraph, but it falls a little flat. Get me more inside his head. How does he feel? As a reader, I need the author to show me what I should be feeling for this character through his own thoughts/feelings. Is he annoyed/frustrated/sad/scared/disillusioned? What?

After waiting forty-five minutes for the bus he was sure stopped at his corner every ten, Graham decided to take the five-mile trek back to his apartment. The bus schedule may have been emptied from his mind, but the familiar city streets were not something he was likely to forget after training his muscle memory for the last twenty years. Again, he seems pretty nonchalant about this, which undercuts any tension you've built up in the first paragraph about the memory loss.

Overall, I probably wouldn't keep reading. I like the flow of the writing and I would be interested in checking out other projects this author was doing. But as is, this hasn't grabbed me though I was intrigued at first.

Good Trailers?

2011-08-16T14:08:00.000-04:00

Recently, I saw The Help.

No I'm going to admit, that it wasn't at all as good as the book. I should have known. I loved the book, and a lot of times I see movies that just aren't quite the same. But I was completely taken in by the movie trailer. I saw the trailer a few months ago when I hadn't even known they were making a movie (yeah, I don't know where I was on that one), and when the trailer ended, I wished I was sitting in the theater for The Help rather than whatever other movie I was seeing at the time. I couldn't wait for it to come out. I even went home and looked up the movie on IMDB in order to find out more details.

Obviously, for me, the trailer for The Help did it's job. It made me sit up, pay attention, and want to see the movie. It did it so well, that I saw the movie the first week it came out and tried to convince several other people to go with me.

With movies, there are some great trailers (I've seen great ones for bad movies, and great ones for great movies) and of course there are a few duds (any idea what that new move Warhorse is even about?), but people talk about them, look forward to them, and at least the people I know, use trailers to help decide what movies they go to.

Obviously book trailers are a marketing tool with similar goals. Which got me thinking. Specifically about book trailers. I can't think of one trailer that made me want to buy the book.

One caveat to those statements is that my favorite trailer is the one for Lauren Oliver's Before I Fall. If you haven't seen it, click here and watch. It's pretty awesome. I watched it after I'd read the book, but I think it might have convinced me to check the book out if I hadn't seen it.

So I haven't bought a book because of a trailer. But more than that, I can't think of that many book trailers that I really liked.

But both of those things might be because I won't watch that many of them. I buy books I hear about from people I know, or from announcements in PW, or from the image on the cover (I know, I can't help it!). And I only watch the trailers if I stumble on them on someone's blog or if someone emails it to me.

But I think there are some really great things that can be done with trailers. Recently I saw an article on (another Lauren Oliver) book trailer--for Delirium--that is interactive. How cool is that?

I want to know more and check out some more cool trailers.

So what I want to know from you is twofold.

1. What are some really good book trailers you've seen?

2. Are there any book trailers that have made you go out a buy the book?

And of course, any of your other thoughts are welcome!

Tips on the Evil Synopsis

2011-08-05T17:16:00.004-04:00

So, as most of you are very well aware, we at Team Townsend are not great fans of synopses: they spoil the plot and they are often quite boring. I believe Suzie’s exact words were, “they’re evil.”

Despite our dislike of synopses, we also know that sometimes they are necessary, whether the agent you’re querying asks for one, whether your editor wants to know what your next masterpiece will be, or whether your agent needs one for subrights purposes. Janice Hardy has a great post on how to write a synopsis, in which she lays down some of the basic rules (third-person present, length, etc.) and breaks down the document into plot-structured sections, but here are a couple of additional tips we’ve found useful in polishing up that sucker once the first draft is down:

1. Conflict and tension are key.

Though by its tell-rather-than-show nature, a synopsis is inevitably less exciting than your actual novel, this doesn’t mean it should be flat-out boring. After all, you are using your synopsis to try to convince someone to read your novel. You know that delicious dose of torture you mete out to your characters and readers—that oh my god, all is dooooooomed, nothing will ever work out! as your characters are faced with obstacles to their goal? Well, as you’re polishing, keep in mind those central conflicts, those plot twists that contribute to the sense of impending doom, and try to keep up the tension vis-à-vis them throughout the document. You can even use those paragraph breaks for cliffhangers.

For example, let’s say your main character is a teen time traveler who is trying to keep his girlfriend from being fatally shot two years in the future, and he’s just gotten stuck in the past. (No worries, guys, this is all from the cover copy.) You probably don’t want to say, “Jackson gets stuck in 2007, so he decides to do what he can from there to save Holly.” Blech, that’s boring, and totally lacking tension. What about, instead: “Panicking, Jackson jumps to 2007. But once he’s there, he’s stuck—and has no idea how to save Holly.” Paragraph break, and then tell something that Jackson does to try to save her. ^[*] This is all essential plot info, but gives us hints about character motivation and with the structure has managed to keep us wondering what will happen next. (I hope!)

2. In making sure the stakes are as clear as possible, simplicity is key.

As Janice Hardy points out, you don’t want to bog your synopsis-reader down with too many names (stick to the most important characters, and you don’t necessarily have to identify them all by name). Likewise, you want to provide enough world-building to give context for the plot and character developments, but not so much that it detracts from either. So while making clear that your coming-of-age story takes place over several summers at the family beach house is important, your synopsis probably isn’t the place for those gorgeous oceanfront views.

You want to streamline on a sentence level, too: make it as easy for your reader to understand what’s going on as possible. Imagine how confusing synopses would be if they were written Virginia Woolf style!

3. Lastly, though you needn’t worry about it in your first draft, as you polish don’t dismiss the possibility of infusing your synopsis with your novel’s tone and your narrator’s voice.

Here’s what I don’t mean when I say this: I don’t mean adding asides or clever remarks simply to convey your narrator’s voice. Here’s what I do mean: looking for places where the plot can be expressed in a way consistent with the narrator’s voice and the tone of the novel, just like you do in your query letter. (Everything in your synopsis should move the plot forward.) Stealing phrases from your novel can be a great way to do this (again, if it moves the plot forward and makes the stakes clear).

So if in your story world your main character uses the expression “sofa king” instead of a certain curse word, you might be able to work it in: “Keek’s dad is hardly around, which is sofa king unfair because if he hadn’t been so deceitful and depraved she wouldn’t even be stuck here.” (The “deceitful and depraved” bit is also from the novel.) This line introduces one of the conflicts—Keek’s mostly absent father—and also makes us want to know: what did her dad do that was so deceitful and depraved? Plot, tension, and voice.

Have you written synopses? What other useful tips would you offer?

^[*]Full disclosure: This, and the remaining examples, are all clients of Suzie's. But don't their books sound awesome?

Query Hiatus (9/1 to....TBD)

2011-08-04T11:22:00.000-04:00

And it's happened, again. I've managed to bury myself under a pile of requested material and client manuscripts and of course those TBR books, and I'm pretty sure I might not be able to move around until I read my way out.

There are also several conferences and exciting things coming up for me this fall so after torturous amounts of deliberation, I'm going to take a brief query hiatus starting September 1st.

I'm not a hundred percent sure when I'm reopening yet. But I'll keep you posted.
This means any query that comes in while I'm closed to queries will get response saying something along the lines of "Hey I'm on hiatus" and will then be deleted from my inbox. While I'm closed, there are some fabulous people to query instead of me right here in suite 500.

But in the meantime, I'm still open to queries until the end of the summer.

Happy Release Day!

2011-07-26T14:48:00.000-04:00

To Arlaina Tibensky!!

If you're in the NYC area, join us tonight at Books of Wonder for the launch party!

why tonight will be a phenomenal night

2011-07-14T11:48:00.003-04:00

I have a copy of this

And I'm going to get it signed! at B&N in union square

And then at midnight

....

well, I'm sure you can imagine what I'll be doing.

Guys, it's HERE!

2011-07-12T05:45:00.001-04:00

I have two dogs...

2011-07-11T15:13:00.000-04:00

One would totally figure this out. The other, not so much...

First Page Shooter #9

2011-07-10T09:24:00.001-04:00

75,000 words

Original Text

Sidney Bidwell and the silver Porsche zigged and zagged , leaving the courteous drivers of lesser cars in his wake. The common folk used turn signals and enjoyed the view--the mighty Hudson below or the sun-baked cliffs across the river. Sidney read his text message. He didn't see the box truck slow to a halt, and he never felt a thing (had this made the news report, some might have said it only proves life isn't fair). The delay on the bridge that morning was brutal.

Sidney stumbled through dense fog, toward an off-key whistle. The mist thinned, the clearing revealed the source of the happy melody. The little man approached Sidney and smiled.

“That’s one hell of a turn, isn’t it, Sidney?” He clasped Sidney’s hand between his own. “You died, Sidney…on the bridge. A few minutes ago.”

Sidney pushed him away.

“How could I be dead?” Sidney shouted. “Who are you?”

“Calm down, Sidney. I'm dead, you're dead…what's the difference? I’m Patrick...your only friend now.” Patrick pulled an I-Pad from his pocket, and laughed. “You've never seen these apps.You sell commercial real estate. Forty five. Divorced, two kids.”

Sidney could hardly breathe. “How do you know that? Where am I?” his voice cracked.

Patrick raised his brow. “Where do you think you are, Sidney?”

“Am I in heaven?” Sidney asked hopefully.

Patrick burst out laughing.

“Heaven? That’s rich! A foggy day and another prick thinks he’s in heaven.”

***

With Suzie's Notes

Sidney Bidwell and the silver Porsche zigged and zagged , leaving the courteous drivers of lesser cars in his wake. The common folk used turn signals and enjoyed the view--the mighty Hudson below or the sun-baked cliffs across the river. Sidney read his text message. He didn't see the box truck slow to a halt, and he never felt a thing (had this made the news report, some might have said it only proves life isn't fair). The delay on the bridge that morning was brutal.

I can tell from the opening this isn't exactly the kind of story I'm drawn to. The tone is light and ironic and a little distanced. But for people who do like this kind of story, it's not a bad for paragraph. There are subtle details about Sidney to let us know what kind of person he was.

Sidney stumbled through dense fog, toward an off-key whistle. The mist thinned, the clearing revealed the source of the happy melody. The little man approached Sidney and smiled.

There's nothing wrong with this "after-death" scene, though I would have found myself much more interested if it was something new and different. This feels cliched with the mist thinning and a little man whistling and off key but happy song.

“That’s one hell of a turn, isn’t it, Sidney?” He clasped Sidney’s hand between his own. “You died, Sidney…on the bridge. A few minutes ago.”

Sidney pushed him away.

“How could I be dead?” Sidney shouted. “Who are you?”

With dialogue in emotional moments (no matter how distanced the narrative), less is usually more. The problem here is that Sidney expresses three different reactions in split seconds. That doesn't work. Denial, anger, confusion are accurate emotions for him, but without slowing the pace down so the reader can process everything, they'll be distanced from the story and going "wait, what?"

“Calm down, Sidney. I'm dead, you're dead…what's the difference? I’m Patrick...your only friend now.” Patrick pulled an I-Pad from his pocket, and laughed. “You've never seen these apps.You sell commercial real estate. Forty five. Divorced, two kids.”

Again, there's too much here, too quickly, without transitions, and as a reader I'm not sure what I should be grabbing onto, what I should be getting out of this. I'm not sure if Patrick is a ghost or a reaper or something else completely. The iPad and the apps make no sense to me at all, and while the details about Sidney are things I didn't know, I'm not sure I care enough about him yet.

Sidney could hardly breathe. “How do you know that? Where am I?” his voice cracked.

Patrick raised his brow. “Where do you think you are, Sidney?”

“Am I in heaven?” Sidney asked hopefully.

Patrick burst out laughing.

“Heaven? That’s rich! A foggy day and another prick thinks he’s in heaven.”

By this point I'm completely lost and disinterested. This conversation reads too cliched, and the last few lines don't read as funny (I'm not sure if they're supposed to or not). But I don't care about or feel any attachment to Sidney or Patrick--or their situation. And I'm not convinced there's anything unique about this story. It feels too much like something I've read or seen before.

First Page Shooter #8

2011-07-04T12:44:00.001-04:00

I did this FPS a little differently than before. First I've pasted the original First Page, followed by some initial thoughts. Then I edited the First Page, followed by my overall thoughts. My notes are in bold purple, and my additions to the text are in bold red. Then, to really show the difference, I included the Edited First Page, followed by my closing thoughts. This isn't something I will necessarily do every time. In this case, I really wanted to show that you can cut without losing the core of the scene.

I hope it's helpful!

CHAPTER 1

On the Thursday before leaving on my road trip, I finally got to see Holly again. There she was just standing in the hallway as I stepped out from Intellectual Property. Since I had been regularly checking her schedule online, most recently only an hour earlier that morning in the library, I automatically assumed that she was waiting for me. There was no other reason for her to be standing around like that on the fifth floor.

Of course, I realize now that this should have registered as odd. It was still only the first week back and, Holly would have never waited around just to be nice. Especially not after all the things I had said the last time we saw each other. But after months apart and thinking of her every day over summer break, there she was and when she looked up and started walking toward me, my heart started beating wildly and I could barely even contain my excitement.

Her face, arms and legs were sun tanned golden and her hair was longer, highlighted with lighter shades of brown but other than that, she looked the same. So I really can’t explain why something about her had also looked different as well. Not in any real way, just unfamiliar somehow, as if we were meeting after a much longer absence. At the time, I didn’t think much more of it than that, but since then, I must have replayed that memory at least a hundred times, searching for some clue or insight into the mystery that is Holly Levasseur.

Initial Thoughts: We don’t learn if the narrator is a boy or a girl at any point. And in fact, we don’t even know if the narrator is talking about a friendship or a romantic relationship at all until the end of paragraph two—even then, I’m not going to assume it’s a boy. It depends.

In that particular case, a query would clear this up (or the flap copy of a book). But going hand-in-hand with my other comments, this narrator gives us absolutely no sense of who he/she is as a person. All we know about him/her is his/her obsession with Holly Levasseur and that he/she is taking Intellectual Property. That’s it. You don’t have to give us an info-dump of his/her backstory, but something in the way he/she speaks or observes, or something else about what he/she has done since seeing Holly last might clue us in to what type of person he/she is.

Also, all of this goes on for much, much too long. The entire sentiment can be boiled down to 2-3 sentences, giving you much more room on the first page to let us get to know the narrator. (See comments on cutting below)

Editorial Notes:

On the Thursday before leaving on my road trip (to where? A small detail like that could tell us a lot about your narrator), I finally ~~got to see~~ saw (“got to see” is a more passive way of saying “saw”) Holly again. ~~There~~ She was ~~just~~ (cut adverbs like “just” almost always—it makes the language clunkier than it should be) standing in the hallway as I stepped out from Intellectual Property (this might be only me, but I know what an IP class means—means he/she is a law student. But that’s because my husband is a lawyer. Would the average reader know what this means?). Since I had been regularly checking her schedule online, most recently only an hour earlier that morning in the library, I automatically assumed that she was waiting for me. There was no other reason for her to be standing around like that on the fifth floor.(None of this is necessary to move the action forward, especially since you explain why in the next paragraph. This type of introspection that goes back and forth like this on the first page just slows everything down. You would have lost me by now.)

Of course, I realize now that this should have registered as odd. It was still only the first week back, (misplaced comma—comes before the “and”) and, Holly ~~would have~~ never waited around just (I would keep this one “just” because you’re purposefully qualifying her actions with it) to be nice. ~~Especially not~~ She especially wouldn’t (this is a grammar fix—keeping everything in the same tense) after ~~all the things I had said~~ (Give us a specific. It will tell us more about the narrator and his/her relationship with Holly. Something like “Not after I called her a whore the last time we saw each other.” Or whatever it is that works for your storyline.) ~~the~~ last May (? Give us the detail and then you don’t have to make the language clunky by explaining how long it’s been: “after months apart”—see rest of notes.) ~~time we saw each other~~. But ~~after months apart and thinking of her every day over summer break~~ (it reads like you’re forcing this detail in here so we know exactly what months they were apart, but it makes the storytelling too meandering and clunky. Let us find that out later. See below.), there she was, ~~and when she looked up and started~~ walking toward me, her face, arms and legs ~~were sun~~ tanned golden and her hair ~~was~~ longer, highlighted with lighter shades of brown (I moved this up from below to tighten). My heart ~~started beating~~ beat wildly (again, “started beating” is a passive way of saying “beat”) ~~and I could barely even contain my excitement~~. (The wildly beating heart shows us that he/she’s excited. No need to tell us here, too. It’s redundant. And it slows the scene down.)

~~Her face, arms and legs were sun tanned golden and her hair was longer, highlighted with lighter shades of brown but other than that, she looked the same~~. ~~So I really can’t explain why something about her had also~~ As she got closer, my smile wavered. Something was different. (This is an example of how you can reword to be more active, and to keep the pacing up, but obviously the exact wording would be up to you and would have to fit with your story.)~~looked different as well~~. ~~Not in any real way,~~(what does that mean? “Not in any real way”? It must be in a real way, or he/she wouldn’t have noticed, right? Confusing.) ~~just unfamiliar somehow, as if we were meeting after a much longer absence.~~ At the time, I didn’t think much ~~more~~ of it ~~than that~~, it hadbeen an entire summer after all, but since then, I ~~must~~ have replayed that memory ~~at least~~ a hundred times, searching for some clue or insight into the mystery that is Holly Levasseur. (This would be a much, much stronger ending if we knew up front that she was dead now, or exactly WHY the narrator is looking back on this moment. We lose the punch that you’re going for because nothing about this seems mysterious at all—it’s only you telling us that it is. Show, don’t tell!)

Overall Thoughts: The opening line and closing line of this scene are just “meh.” But without even knowing this story, I can tell that there is potential for them to pack much more punch. Also, as stated above, the whole moment goes on for much, much too long, and we don’t get much out of it except: He/she is seeing Holly after an entire summer, when they clearly had a fight. That’s it. Unless we’re going to learn more information, this should only be a couple of lines.

Without knowing the entire story, it’s hard for me to rework it, but I’ve included the final write up below, taking my notes into suggestion, so you can see how much quicker the pace is. It leaves you a lot more room afterward for us to learn more and hook us in! And to hopefully add a mysterious feel to it all, so that the last line makes sense and leaves the reader dying to turn the page. A couple of the details I added just as examples on how to give details without making it clunky, and keeping the transitions smooth. Obviously it would depend on the story!

Final Edited Page:

On the Thursday before leaving on my road trip to Alaska, I finally saw Holly again. She was standing in the hallway as I stepped out from Intellectual Property, her green eyes fixed on me.

Of course, I realize now that this should have registered as odd. It was still only the first week back, and Holly never waited around just to be nice. She especially wouldn’t after I called her a whore last May. But there she was, walking toward me, her face, arms and legs tanned golden and her hair long, highlighted with lighter shades of brown. My heart beat wildly.

As she got closer, my smile wavered. Something was different. At the time, I didn’t think much of it, it had been an entire summer after all, but since then, I have replayed that memory a hundred times, searching for some clue or insight into the mystery that is Holly Levasseur.

I was able to take this sample from 263 words, to 154 words, without losing what the heart of the scene is. These are the things that editors and agents are looking for in a first page (in no particular order):

Voice/Style

Pacing

Good Writing

In the original version of this, we didn’t get a good sense of the voice because there were almost not specifics about the narrator—nothing that felt inherently him/her. The pacing was also very slow, giving too much vague information and at times too passive. Those two things tie into the writing and whether or not the editor/agent deems it good. So it’s so important to nail it! And of course, carry it through.

-JV

June Giveaway Winner - The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making

2011-06-30T12:08:00.001-04:00

Wow, I loved all the entries! Thank you so much to everyone who entered.

After much deliberation...

Best parental angst
Sasha Barin @ 6:47 pm

Most nightmare-inspiring
abrielle1 @ 11:46 pm

Best epic journey
DavidSimon4449 @2:16 pm

Best rhymes
Sheila JG @ 4:58 pm

Most heart-wrenching
K @10:08 pm

Best reason to listen to your mother
Stephanie Garber @ 10:43 am

And the winner is, for her chilling tale...

christwriter @ 11:19 am

Jo ran through the snow.

We never had roses in December.

“Come on!” My sister held the key up. “It’s this way, Barry!”

But it was just an old garden door; the key wouldn’t fit. Besides, we were moving and the new house had no garden. Joanna said she’d seen a fairy cat in a top hat slinking through the roses. He told her to bring me along.

“Kids! We’re leaving!” Our mother.

“It works!” Jo said. Then, delighted and happy, “Ooh!”

I found the door locked. A thousand blood red petals on the ground.

Jo had gone away.

Congratulations to everyone! @christwriter, if you send me an email with your address, I'll send your copy of the book.

First Page Shooter #7

2011-06-28T11:03:00.000-04:00

Word Count: 80,000 Words

Original Text

Death allowed himself a small, satisfied smile as he swooped gracefully towards the small girl bleeding on the floor. A moan crawled from her lips, barely audible against the clamour of the outer parking lot. Already purpling nicely, a substantial bruise coloured the edges of her right eye, framing the split on her brow that still trickled a small amount of blood.

Parking Lot. Public toilets. Earl Street. 2.15 pm. Just a few minutes early, as usual. Funny, he thought, they don’t always say who it is when you’re on a job. Just a time and a place. Show up, you’re guaranteed a dead body.

But there she was, just the same. His favourite little escape artist, a slippery eel of a girl. His own personal Houdini of Death. A million close shaves, but never a result. Not a close shave this time, though. The blood loss was undeniable. Leaching out onto the wet surface it formed a halo of watery crimson radiating from her waist.

Running a curious finger around the ragged edges of the rips crisscrossing her stomach, he asked the most inappropriate question he could think of.

“Hey, Frankie. Have you got a light?”

"Left coat pocket," She rasped, the breaths coming hard and sharp.

"You shoulda stopped smoking years ago, you know, it'll kill ya."

He sniggered and lit a crisp Cuban.

She tried to raise her hand to flip him off, but it flopped into a pool of watery urine, over flown from the toilets.

With Suzie's Notes

Death allowed himself a ~~small,~~ satisfied smile as he swooped ~~gracefully~~ towards the ~~small~~ girl bleeding on the floor. A moan crawled from her lips, barely audible against the clamour of the outer parking lot. Already purpling nicely, a substantial bruise coloured the edges of her right eye, framing the split on her brow that still trickled a small amount of blood.

Interesting that we're in Death's perspective--and he enjoys his job! There are a few too many descriptors in the above paragraph though. Don't let those weigh you down. And the last clause "framing the split..." feels a little awkward and confusing. Also I'm not sure "girl" is the right word. The first time I read that I pictured a five year old. By the end I was thinking late teens or twenties.

Parking Lot. Public toilets. Earl Street. 2.15 pm. Just a few minutes early, as usual. Funny, he thought, they don’t always say who it is when you’re on a job. Just a time and a place. Show up, you’re guaranteed a dead body.

I like this bit of worldbuilding and characterization for Death. It's concise but it also tells us a lot.

But there she was, just the same. His favourite little escape artist, a slippery eel of a girl. His own personal Houdini of Death. A million close shaves, but never a result. Not a close shave this time, though. The blood loss was undeniable. Leaching out onto the wet surface it formed a halo of watery crimson radiating from her waist.

I like these details, but...If Dead just gets a time and a place and shows up for a guaranteed dead body, how does he know this girl and how has she escaped him? It's a minor thing, but it suggests an inconsistency or a whole in the worldbuilding right at the beginning.

Running a ~~curious~~ finger around the ~~ragged edges of the~~ rips crisscrossing her stomach, he asked the most inappropriate question he could think of.

Now, an important question. Is Death the protagonist of this story or no? (Obviously were this a query, I'd probably know). I'm a little creeped out about him running a finger around the rips of her stomach, and I don't want my protagonist to creep me out like that. But if I'm supposed to be creeped out, good job! I do like that he asks an inappropriate question, and I love that she answers anyway.

And again, I crossed out some extra words. This is me being very nitpicky, and it doesn't matter too much, but you don't want to say something in ten words when you can say it just as well in five.

“Hey, Frankie. Have you got a light?”

"Left coat pocket," She rasped, the breaths coming hard and sharp.

"You shoulda stopped smoking years ago, you know, it'll kill ya."

He sniggered and lit a crisp Cuban.

She tried to raise her hand to flip him off, but it flopped into a pool of watery urine, over flown from the toilets.

Awful image (but good) to close this section. What a way to leave me hanging! Based on this, I'm intrigued and would keep reading to see where this goes. I am wondering if she's inside or outside. The stress on the parking lot earlier had made me think outside. If she's inside, maybe just say Public toilets. Earl Street. Also, you use "watery" twice in this section, and one of them should go.

I'm back!

2011-06-20T14:26:00.000-04:00

I spent two weeks in the Wilds of New Zealand.

I even petted cheetahs.

I also traipsed through Middle Earth.

And spent some time under the party tree at Hobbiton.

[pictures to that are securely tucked under lock and key though so you'll just have to miss out on that]

But of course now it's back to work. Enter the giveaway below and keep your eyes pealed for some new First Page Shooter posts going up later this week.

June GIVEAWAY

2011-06-20T13:26:00.003-04:00

Have you heard about The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making?

Um, you need to.

Twelve-year-old September lives in Omaha, and used to have an ordinary life, until her father went to war and her mother went to work. One day, September is met at her kitchen window by a Green Wind (taking the form of a gentleman in a green jacket), who invites her on an adventure, implying that her help is needed in Fairyland. The new Marquess is unpredictable and fickle, and also not much older than September. Only September can retrieve a talisman the Marquess wants from the enchanted woods, and if she doesn't . . . then the Marquess will make life impossible for the inhabitants of Fairyland. September is already making new friends, including a book-loving Wyvern and a mysterious boy named Saturday.

With exquisite illustrations by acclaimed artist Ana Juan, Fairyland lives up to the sensation it created when the author first posted it online. For readers of all ages who love the charm of Alice in Wonderland and the soul of The Golden Compass, here is a reading experience unto itself: unforgettable, and so very beautiful.

I've been hearing A-MAZ-ING things about this one.

And check out Catherynne Valente's website and blog!

So. Now the important part. What do you have to do to win?

check out the trailer: (this is one of my favorite trailers ever!)

Then write a Short Story--100 words--inspired by the trailer

Enter by midnight Friday 6/24. Winner will be posted by 7/1. This contest is open to US and Canadian residents only. But enter as many times as you like.

Review of BEAUTY QUEENS by Libba Bray

2011-06-15T22:24:00.003-04:00

Today I'm thrilled to welcome the fabulous Jessica Tudor to the blog to co-post this review with me...

Jessica Tudor lives outside Philadelphia with her mad scientist husband and two mud turtles named Bogey and Bacall, where she writes young adult/fantasy books. Her work is represented by Super Agent Suzie Townsend of Fine Print Lit. She is Christian, vegan, and nominally crazy. You can find her on Twitter and at her website.

MISS TEEN DREAM FUN FACTS PAGE!

Please fill in the following information and return to Jessie Jane, Miss Teen Dream Pageant administrative assistant, before Monday. Remember, this is a chance for the judges and the audience to get to know YOU. So make it interesting and fun, but please be appropriate. And don’t forget to mention something you love about our sponsor, The Corporation!

Name: BEAUTY QUEENS
State: Libba Bray’s crazy mind
Age: Released May 24 (a youthful three weeks old)
Height: 400 pages
Weight: 1.2 lbs according to Amazon
Hair: Books don’t have hair, but if I did it would be Pantene lustrous
Eyes: Ditto on the eyes, but you can imagine a Caribbean turquoise
Best Feature: Hello, have you seen my cover?

Check out my awesome lipstick bandolier.

Fun Facts About Me:

I have the most whack-tacular plot^[*], yet it all fits together, much like Cate Blanchett on the red carpet.
Though sometimes the satire makes it hard to connect to my characters, I am unputdownable.^[**] My characters are well-developed and despite the large cast, easily differentiated. Miss Mississippi (Tiara) is a surprise favorite.
I bring the swoon. Though I don't have much space to dedicate to the couples, all the relationships are believably handled. Also, I support the right of all couples, hetero- or queer, to be swoon-worthy. A shout-out to all my LGBTQ friends in the audience!^[***]
I’m smart and thought-provoking, but so much fun you can’t hold it against me. In fact, I make smart the new pretty. When I'm grown up, I hope to open a Smart School where I teach critical thinking and wilderness survival skills for teenagers of all nationalities, religions, and cultures.^[****]
My extracurriculars include advertisement scripts, fact sheets, footnotes, song lyrics, and classified reports.
I am practically perfect in all of my masterfully written, satiric, feminist kick-assery.^[*****] My biggest flaw is that there's only one of me. However, I love The Corporation Bookstore, where you can also purchase books like The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks by E. Lockhart and The Unidentified by Rae Mariz for more thought provocation.

^[*]A plane full of beauty queens crashes on a deserted island. "Welcome to the heart of un-exfoliated darkness."
^[**]The Corporation suggests that Sarah and Jess note that the only reason it took them two sittings to read me is because they paused partway through to gush on Twitter.
^[***]Pageant official started to say something but was too upset.
^[****]The Corporation suggests replacing the critical thinking portion with something less threatening like hygiene.
^[*****]Pageant official says I should not use the words "feminist" or "kick-assery," as they think these words sound like we're radical, and want to know if I can change it to "feminine" and "empowerment."

Sarah attempts a confession

2011-06-01T22:31:00.002-04:00

Hello there!

I'm that unfamiliar name you see in the top right corner of the page and in the About Us section. *points*

I'll be working as Suzie's assistant this summer, which means that I'll be hanging out on the blog and on Twitter with you lovely people. So I thought I'd introduce myself. After serious consideration, I decided that the best way to do an introduction on a blog called Confessions from Suite 500 would be, well, through a confession.

This turned out to be a somewhat problematic decision, since most of what I know about confessions comes from movies and TV shows, where the character usually rambles an I'm-not-sure-how-this-works-but-oh-wow-I-screwed-up speech... only to find that the priest isn't actually in the confessional. Then there's the seminar I took on sixteenth-century Spain, nicknamed Law & Order: Spain, but all those details about convent scandals and witchcraft trials, being centuries old, are probably out of date and not, you know, relevant.^[*]

So I figured that I'd leave all of the canonical meanings of the term aside. Even so, it was kind of difficult to think of a confession that might be

a) publicly relevant, and
b) minimally humiliating.

I could tell you about how I cry every time I see or read the scene where Jo turns down Laurie in Little Women (meets neither a nor b); or that though I've lived in Argentina, Spain, and France, I'd never been to a non-coastal U.S. state until I looked at graduate schools (meets b, but not a); or that I'd never considered working in publishing until one of my classmates, after I'd ~~tortured~~ engaged her in conversation about commercial fiction perhaps one too many times at department functions, suggested I apply for the internship at FinePrint & Nancy Coffey (is this even a confession?).

As it turned out, despite all the talk about how the internet makes us perform some version of our private selves in public, I could not come up with one sharable detail that would actually be of general interest to an intelligent publishing blog-reading public. Or even of generalish interest.

Maybe the publicly relevant confession, I was forced to admit, was an oxymoron. I had to admit failure.

So truly, I am sorry. I don't have a confession for you. All I can offer is this apology-- and the promise that I'll never try to confess anything on this blog ever again.

^[*]For the record, I did Google "confession." It turns out that there is an iPhone app that helps you prep for your confession and that if I went to a website with the word "hug" in the title I could anonymously confess to the internet.

After Dark Tour

2011-06-01T14:20:00.000-04:00

The After Dark tour kicks off tonight in Westlake, OH. Check out the events schedule in case they're going to be in your city!

AFTER DARK TOUR

Wednesday, June 1, 2011 6:30pm
Leah Clifford, Lisa Desrochers, and Courtney Allison Moulton
198 Crocker Park Blvd
Westlake, OH 44145

Thursday, June 2, 2011 6:00pm

Leah Clifford, Aimee Carter, Lisa Desrochers, and Courtney Allison Moulton

Schuler Books & Music
2820 Towne Center Blvd
Lansing, MI 48912

June 20, 2011 7:00pm

Leah Clifford, Lisa Desrochers, and Courtney Allison Moulton

A Real Bookstore

113 Prairie Road
Fairview, TX

June 21, 2011 5:00pm

Leah Clifford, Lisa Desrochers, Sophie Jordan, and Courtney Allison Moulton

Barnes & Noble

1201 Lake Woodlands Dr
The Woodlands, TX

July 5, 2011

Leah Clifford, Lisa Desrochers, and Courtney Allison Moulton

Books of Wonder
18 West 18th Street
New York, NY 10011

July 6, 2011 7:00pm

Leah Clifford, Lisa Desrochers, and Courtney Allison Moulton

Barnes & Noble
98 Middlesex Turnpike
Burlington, MA 01803

First Page Shooter #6

2011-05-23T10:49:00.001-04:00

Original

If you want the truth, I started planning my wedding at my best friend's funeral.

But now I can hear Nic screaming, "Nobody wants the truth! It’s boring and takes too long. People have no attention span! More words and depth than a New Yorker cartoon equal zero readers. Kindle this, lady."

She’d probably be right. My love for the printed word is quaint at best; my attention to detail tedious. But I’m a proofreader. And Nicole, the hypocrite, was a copy editor. Plus, the funeral in question was hers, so maybe she would keep reading just out of personal interest. Just to find out what happened when Alec and I finally met.

.................

I was 27 when Nic died. I had to fly from New York to California for the funeral. Nic’s parents, the Hansens, were nice enough to let me stay with them. The service was very dark, literally and figuratively. It was held at the Alumni House at the University of Southern California, this place full of deep brown mahogany moldings and recessed lighting. From the outside it looked like the walls of the bottom floor were all French doors, but when you got inside, they had put these heavy velvet curtains along all four walls so the room was cave-like, closed in. It seemed like the entire first floor was a giant room swathed in red velvet, full of folding chairs and reeking of flowers.

****

With Suzie's Critique

If you want the truth, I started planning my wedding at my best friend's funeral.

I like this first line. There's voice here and it's intriguing. Not something I would expect.

But now I can hear Nic screaming, "Nobody wants the truth! It’s boring and takes too long. People have no attention span! More words and depth than a New Yorker cartoon equal zero readers. Kindle this, lady."

But whatever interest I had based on that first line has now already waned. Who's Nic, why is he/she screaming? And this dialogue block is much too long for someone we don't know or care anything about. Especially if this dialogue isn't happening in real time. If this is something the protagonist also thinks, I'd rather hear it in her voice.

She’d probably be right. My love for the printed word is quaint at best; my attention to detail tedious. But I’m a proofreader. And Nicole, the hypocrite, was a copy editor. Plus, the funeral in question was hers, so maybe she would keep reading just out of personal interest. Just to find out what happened when Alec and I finally met.

Here we get some more details. I'm interest that the funeral in question is Nic's--maybe knowing that before would help. But even with this paragraph I think the set up here is too long. It's telling, and what we really want after that first line is to see what exactly will get the protagonist to start planning a wedding during her best friend's funeral.

Also, and this might be me, but a huge pet peeve of mine is when the protagonist steps out of the narrative and tells us that we're reading. There are exceptions to everything and I've certainly read some great books that break down that fourth wall. Most of the time it just really pulls me out of the narrative--which is the opposite of what you want.

What if the first few lines read:

If you want the truth, I started planning my wedding at my best friend's funeral.

My best friend Nic--the one whose funeral it was--might say No one wants to hear the truth, but I'm a proofreader and my attention to detail is tedious.

So the truth it is.

.................

I was 27 when Nic died. I had to fly from New York to California for the funeral. Nic’s parents~~, the Hansens,~~ were nice enough to let me stay with them. The service was very dark, literally and figuratively. It was held at the Alumni House at the University of Southern California, this place full of deep brown mahogany moldings and recessed lighting. From the outside it looked like the walls of the bottom floor were all French doors, but when you got inside, they had put these heavy velvet curtains along all four walls so the room was cave-like, closed in. It seemed like the entire first floor was a giant room swathed in red velvet, full of folding chairs and reeking of flowers.

While I find some of these details interesting, there's too much telling here. The first four sentences are short and structured similarly and just dispensing information. I do like the images of the last several lines in the paragraph, particularly the reeking flowers, but it's still telling description.

The voice in the earlier lines seems different now or even gone. I want to get the protagonists thoughts and feelings interspersed with the description--her best friend just died, where's the emotion?

I think I would read the next paragraph or two to see where this was going--I really did love that first line--but if the protagonist continued to lack emotion I'd stop.

First Page Shooter #5

2011-05-20T11:00:00.001-04:00

Word count: 102,000 words
Genre: mystery/adventure

Original 250 Words

I was looking at beefcake, rear view. Dark hair, broad shoulders, and a perfect ass in a pair of camo-patterned pants. This had all the makings of a great fantasy.

Except for my headache.

He turned, showing off delicious pecs and fantasy-issue washboard abs. The camo pants didn’t camouflage much, and I felt a leer spread over my face.

Dark eyes met mine. He evidently liked what he saw, because he grinned and licked his lips. I pressed full-length against him and pulled him into a hard kiss, which he returned with enthusiasm. I love the way you can cut to the chase in fantasy-land.

If only my head didn’t hurt so damn much. I touched the sore spot, and my fingertips showed a smear of blood. I puzzled over that for less than a second before I returned my attention to the much more interesting subject at hand. Or hands.

I ran said hands down his back and locked onto those buns of steel. We were making a creditable attempt to lick each other’s tonsils when a furious voice erupted from inches behind me.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

I spun around, swearing violently as pain and adrenaline pumped through my brain.

Okay, that was weird. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a fantasy that included a short, pissed-off paramedic. The paramedic locked eyes with Beefcake. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he repeated.

Beefcake lifted a shoulder. “I’m not doing anything. She jumped me.”

*****

With Suzie's Critique

I was looking at beefcake, rear view. Dark hair, broad shoulders, and a perfect ass in a pair of camo-patterned pants. This had all the makings of a great fantasy.

It might just be me, but "beefcake" doesn't sound very sexy to me...is it supposed to? I do love the next two lines though! I was confused about whether this is a real fantasy, as in a dream or something, or if it's real...

Except for my headache.

Interesting...but headache makes me think Real Life not dream.

He turned, showing off delicious pecs and fantasy-issue washboard abs. The camo pants didn’t camouflage much~~, and I felt a leer spread over my face~~.

This might be nit-picky but I think it's more powerful without the "leering" because I swear I've read that in other books.

Dark eyes met mine. He evidently liked what he saw, because he grinned and licked his lips. I pressed full-length against him and pulled him into a hard kiss, which he returned with enthusiasm. I love the way you can cut to the chase in fantasy-land.

Cutting to the chase in fantasy-land makes me think dream. But even if it is, how far away from him was she? I was imagining her walking down the street behind him (I know there's no textual basis for that), but wherever they are, how does she go from looking him up and down to suddenly being pressed full length against him and pulling him into a kiss. Also, pulling him into a hard kiss, which he returned with enthusiasm feels cliched--that might be intentional, but it's a little bit of a turn off for the first page.

If only my head didn’t hurt so damn much. I touched the sore spot, and my fingertips showed a smear of blood. I puzzled over that for less than a second before I returned my attention to the much more interesting subject at hand. Or hands.

Again, the headache feels very Real Life to me, and I'm starting to feel unsure about what's going on.

I ran said hands down his back and locked onto those buns of steel. We were making a creditable attempt to lick each other’s tonsils when a furious voice erupted from inches behind me.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

I spun around, swearing violently as pain and adrenaline pumped through my brain.

Is she spinning her whole body around or just tearing her lips away from Beefcake to see who said this? What does "swearing violently" mean? That doesn't really tell us about our character. And pain and adrenaline pumping through her brain again seems cliched--but more importantly is it from the headache (as in, is the headache getting worse) or is it from spinning around.

Okay, that was weird. I’m pretty sure I’ve never had a fantasy that included a short, pissed-off paramedic. The paramedic locked eyes with Beefcake. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he repeated.

If this is a dream/vision/fantasy and the twist is that we're going to notice it now, it should be a twist, so present it as real and then Aha! it's not what we thought.

Beefcake lifted a shoulder. “I’m not doing anything. She jumped me.”

"lifted a shoulder"--like he shrugged? Don't use three words when one fits better. I definitely like this as a closing line. And though I'm confused about what's happening, I am interested so I would keep reading, but if I didn't have something to grab onto soon, I would stop. On the plus side, I think the voice works. It does sound like this MC is telling me the story--she feels real.

But I am wondering, how this is a mystery? Right now, if I didn't know the genre I'd think it was a romance. If Beefcake is a love interest or making out with random guys is going to be a problem or character trait or something reoccurring in the manuscript, this works, but if we're not going to see more of either thing...maybe it isn't the right starting point.

First Page Shooter #4 REVISED

2011-05-19T18:06:00.000-04:00

We have a revision! (See below for the first version)

Here's the edited 250 words.

I was throwing away happily ever after.

I’d been with the Ericsons almost two years. They were the latest foster parents in a long string of them. But this time I had friends, played on the softball team, worked a part-time job. I had a room to myself. For once I belonged somewhere. Their house wasn’t someplace I lived; it was home.

Derrick and Lisa kept hinting that the big surprise for my seventeenth birthday was them starting the adoption process. They wanted me, not just some foster kid they kept until they had their own. They wanted to make me a part of their family, forever. That didn’t happen to kids like me.

And I was running.

Because after I got my first period a month ago, I started turning into a cougar. Not the old lady who’s into twenty-something guys kind, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat.

My records were sealed, and try as I might, I couldn’t find out who’d given birth to me. Without someone to tell me how to stop myself from shifting every time my hormones got the best of me, my only option was to go somewhere I wouldn’t get shot at by police and hunted by animal control whenever I got a little furry. So far, that was not Chicago.

It made me hate my birth mother more than ever. I was finally within arm’s reach of having what she never gave me and she was ruining it. Figured.

****

And here they are with my thoughts:

I was throwing away happily ever after.

Love this first line!

I’d been with the Ericsons almost two years. They were the latest foster parents in a long string of them. But this time I had friends, played on the softball team, worked a part-time job. I had a room to myself. For once I belonged somewhere. Their house wasn’t someplace I lived; it was home.

Derrick and Lisa kept hinting that the big surprise for my seventeenth birthday was them starting the adoption process. They wanted me, not just some foster kid they kept until they had their own. They wanted to make me a part of their family, forever. That didn’t happen to kids like me.

While I like the details in these two paragraphs (and it certainly answers a few of my previous), they're backstory and telling. This information doesn't lose me because it's concise and to the point--I'd still keep going. But it also doesn't get me really excited to keep going either. (First because it's telling, second because I've read YA novels with similar family backstory--this isn't unique enough to stand out. I want to get to the part that says THIS IS WHY I HAVE TO KEEP READING THIS STORY!") . More on this in a minute...

~~And I was running.~~

This is implied in the next couple paragraphs. I'm not sure its needed.

Because after I got my first period a month ago, I started turning into a cougar. Not the old lady who’s into twenty-something guys kind, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat.

Awesome!

My records were sealed, and try as I might, I couldn’t find out who’d given birth to me. Without someone to tell me how to stop myself from shifting every time my hormones got the best of me, my only option was to go somewhere I wouldn’t get shot at by police and hunted by animal control whenever I got a little furry. So far, that was not Chicago.

It made me hate my birth mother more than ever. I was finally within arm’s reach of having what she never gave me and she was ruining it. Figured.

Interesting. I like these details about her birth mother and it shows that she's tried something else other than just leaving. I think I would put some of the foster parent info in with these two paragraphs. So maybe it would look like this:

I was throwing away happily ever after.

Because after I got my first period a month ago, I started turning into a cougar. Not the old lady who’s into twenty-something guys kind, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat.

Which was a problem.

My birth records were sealed, so try as I might, I couldn’t find someone to tell me how to stop myself from shifting every time my hormones got the best of me. And, even though the Ericsons, my latest foster parents, were hinting that starting the adoption process was the big surprise they were planning for my seventeenth birthday, ...[add something here about why turning furry would sort of ruin this, yeah?].

It's not like I wanted to leave. I had friends, played on the softball team, worked a part-time job. But my only option was to go somewhere I wouldn’t get shot at by police and hunted by animal control whenever I got a little furry. So far, that was not Chicago.

It made me hate my birth mother more than ever. I was finally within arm’s reach of having what she never gave me and she was still managing to ruin. Figured.

As is, I also have a much stronger sense of the voice in this version. I would keep reading to see where it goes.

Word Count: 85,000 words

Original 250 Words

I knew the first time I changed into a cougar that I had to run away from home. No, not the old lady who’s into 20-something guys kind of cougar, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat. Chicago is a terrible place to live for a girl who randomly turns into a giant cat. Which is why I was standing alone in a bus station on a Tuesday morning, about to leave behind everything I had known.

It was busier than I expected; hurried people rushed around me as I stood in the middle of the room feeling lost. My heart pounded in my ears, drowning out the crowd. I struggled to concentrate on my breathing, hoping it would slow my heart, but I couldn't calm down.

What was I doing? I was sixteen years old. I had $928 to my name, saved up from the part-time job I’d been working at Harrock’s, the grocery store down the street from my house. Running away from home was ridiculous. I’d carefully planned everything out, but as the fear flooded my veins I started to see flaws in my escape. Still, I couldn’t stay in Chicago. I’d made a mess of my life there and couldn’t fix it, no matter how I tried.

*****

With Suzie's Critique

I knew the first time I changed into a cougar that I had to run away from home. No, not the old lady who’s into 20-something guys kind of cougar, the big furry kind with pointy teeth and a hankering for raw meat. Chicago is a terrible place to live for a girl who randomly turns into a giant cat. Which is why I was standing alone in a bus station on a Tuesday morning, about to leave behind everything I had known.

There's a really interesting voice here--and of course a concept that suggests a big conflict. But the wording here isn't used with as much power as it could be. For instance the first line could be tighter: The first time I changed into a cougar, I knew I had to leave home. Or condense the first two sentences: The first time I changed into a cougar--the big furry kind with pointy teeth, not the older woman looking for a younger guy--I knew I had to leave home.

But an added problem is the first line makes me question it. WHY. Why does she have to leave home? I can understand a big city isn't that great for a cougar, but how often is she changing shape? What was first experience like that she felt she had to get out of there?

Additionally, the rest of the paragraph just brings up more questions. What does "randomly" mean exactly. Does she have no control over it, is it like *poof* she's a cougar? How long has passed from the "first time" to now "Tuesday"? Is Chicago a bad place just because it's a city or is there some other reason?

If she's leaving behind everything she's ever known--what does that mean? And am I supposed to feel sorry for her? Because I don't--not yet. I need to know more about what she's leaving behind what the trauma of this first experience was...I'm just not connecting to her as much as I need to be.

It was busier than I expected; hurried people rushed around me as I stood in the middle of the room feeling lost. My heart pounded in my ears, drowning out the crowd. I struggled to concentrate on my breathing, hoping it would slow my heart, but I couldn't calm down.

Again, some of the writing feels like it needs to be tightened or polished so it flows more easily. I'm more interested back in that first experience than in the bus station. Also, people rushing is a generic description for a bus station--I'd love to get a detail or two to let me picture it better.

And I'm getting conflicting images. If she's "lost" and the crowd of people are rushing around her, that makes me picture her sort of aimless. If she's struggling to calm down, that makes her sound panicked.

And of course now I'm wondering where she's planning to go. If she has to leave, that's the next step, right? Logically she should decide where she's going before she leaves.

What was I doing? I was sixteen years old. I had $928 to my name, saved up from the part-time job I’d been working at Harrock’s, the grocery store down the street from my house. Running away from home was ridiculous. I’d carefully planned everything out, but as the fear flooded my veins I started to see flaws in my escape. Still, I couldn’t stay in Chicago. I’d made a mess of my life there and couldn’t fix it, no matter how I tried.

This is my first big pause. The first two paragraphs raised a lot of questions, but I was interested (and willing to keep reading) to see where this story went. For some reason, this voice doesn't sound 16 to me. I was picturing her in her early twenties. If she turned into a cougar at sixteen, where's the mention of her parents. (Was this hereditary or an injury or what?)

Also, the way the age is dropped into the story, it reads like the author wasn't sure how else to say that she was sixteen.

She says she carefully planned everything out yet I don't see any evidence of that in the earlier paragraphs--just the opposite, in fact. Is this an "escape"? I didn't get any sense of that until now, and if it is an escape, I want to know who she's escaping from. And what is the "mess" she made of her life?

I think this author has promise, but I wouldn't keep reading at this point. The main reason I'd stop is because I've read dozens (or more) of YA paranormals and specifically YA shapeshifting novels, and this just doesn't stand out to me. I need more from this character.

I'm going to steal Joanna's thunder...

2011-05-17T13:27:00.000-04:00

And post this video.

She showed it to me yesterday (thanks to the editor who mentioned it to her), and I've watched it a few times again since. I'm not sure why I find it so entrancing, but here it is...

MARCEL THE SHELL...
with shoes on

Um, yay.

2011-05-14T22:28:00.000-04:00

Image courtesy of Brooks Sherman

That is all.

For more info, read here.

Original Sin Winner!

2011-05-09T08:59:00.002-04:00

Wow! These entires were fantastic--thank you everyone for entering. Congratulations to everyone who did--these were some of the best ones I've read.

Best Animal Character
brianbuckley.com @ 9:23 pm

Best Edgar Allan Poe Allusion
Sunlight Shadows @ 8:59 pm

Best Use of "A Devil's Own"
Katherine Tomlinson @ 9:46 pm

Best High School Scene
Taryn @ 10:45 pm

Best Zombie Entry
Holly Ann @ 11:05 pm

Most Interesting Rhetorical Manipulation
Xander Pike @ 12:02 am

Best Swoonworthy Athlete
Kristi @ 3:20 pm

Best Description of a Setting
David @ 5:44 pm

Best Futuristic
Jennifer Rush @ 1:29 am

Best Short Entry
Em-Musing @ 7:30 am

Best Online Dating Site Name
Steve Forti @ 3:45 pm

Best First Line
Ms. Snip @ 1:14 pm

Best Craving for Revenge
Bruce Thole @ 1:00 pm

And the runners up...

Best Twist
Nicole Zoltack @ 7:56 pm

&

Best Voice
Katherine Hazen @ 12:26 am

And the winner is...

DD3123 @ 10:27 am

At age nine, standing just outside the garage door, I began a personal relationship with fire. A flick of my wrist sent a bottle flying. It was a lit Molotov, of sorts. But more refined. An original recipe, by yours truly. The bottle arced through the air and broke on the carport. Flames danced across the floor and up the walls like demons hellbent on consummation. Smiling, I cared not that this was a supposed sin. It was glorious. Beautiful.

And as Mother lay inside, bound and gagged, I could have sworn I heard her call me, “A Devil’s own.”

Congratulations to everyone. If the winner sends me an email with his/her address, I'll mail out a copy of Original Sin by Lisa Desrochers.

Help Write Now

2011-05-04T13:02:00.000-04:00

Make sure to check out HELP RIGHT NOW, the auction sponsored by several fabulous authors to support Southern Storm Relief.

You could even bid on a critique on your full manuscript (from me) and a 30 minute phone call to discuss, edits, the industry, or any other questions you have.

The Original Sin Contest

2011-05-02T18:36:00.000-04:00

Here's your chance to win a copy of an ARC of Original Sin which isn't out until July 5th!

Here's what you've have to do.

Write a story, one hundred words or fewer, using these words:

Personal
Demons
Hellbent
Original
Sin

Bonus Points if you use the phrase "A Devil's Own"

Contest open internationally. It starts NOW, and runs through midnight Thursday May 5th. Post your entry in the comments section.

Enter as many times as you want.

PERSONAL DEMONS series, book 2
Luc Cain was born and raised in Hell, but he isn't feeling as demonic as usual lately--thanks to Frannie Cavanaugh and the unique power she never knew she had. But you can't desert Hell without consequences, and suddenly Franie and Luc find themselves targeted by the same demons who used to be Luc's allies.

Left with few options, Frannie and Luc accept the protection of Heaven and one of its most powerful angels, Gabe. Unfortunately, Luc isn't the only one affected by Frannie, and it isn't long before Gabe realizes that being around her is too...tempting. Rather than risk his wings, he leaves Frannie and Luc under the protection of her recently aquired guardian angel.

Which would be fine, but Gabe is barely out the door before an assortment of demons appears--and they're not leaving without dragging Luc back to Hell with them. Hell won’t give up and Heaven won’t give in. Frannie's guardian exercises all the power he has to keep them away, but the demons are willing to hurt anyone close to Frannie in order to get what they want. It will take everything she has and then some to stay out of Hell's grasp.

And not everyone will get out of it alive.

I am so excited for this!

2011-05-01T16:51:00.000-04:00

First Page Shooter #3

2011-04-25T11:35:00.006-04:00

Word Count: approx 60,000 words
Genre: YA

Original
Killing someone's easier than you think. All it takes is decision, aim, and follow through. Like basketball, only you shouldn't expect people to leap to their feet and cheer if you hit the free throw.

The whole thing's a done deal in a matter of seconds.

Revenge, on the other hand, and I mean real, calculated, make-him-sorry-he-was ever-born vengeance, takes time and planning and patience. You have to smile when you want to scream. You have to look your target in the eye when you'd rather claw his eyes out. And you have to ignore the slow spreading burn in your gut until it turns to ice, and sets your resolve so completely, you can't turn away without splintering.

Do it right, and their blood will be on their own hands. Just another tragic teen suicide that ends up buried on the back of page three and gets a memorial sheet in the school annual. Lots of flowers and stuffed animals and card collages stuck to the door. Pretty words and puffy, red-rimmed eyes from people who will question "why", but don't actually look hard enough to find out.

No matter how messy it gets, or how much blood's involved, suicide's a clean kill. And any hunter can tell you that clean kills are what you want. Though any scenario that ends with Brooks Walden in a mangled heap works for me.

*******

With Suzie's Critique

Killing someone's easier than you think. All it takes is decision, aim, and follow through. Like basketball, only you shouldn't expect people to leap to their feet and cheer if you hit the free throw.

Wow. This first line totally makes me sit up and pay attention. It's short, concise, and a little shocking. In just one line, I'm interested in the character, and I'm also wondering a little about myself--would killing someone be easier than I'd think. (Morbid, I know).

While I like the decision, aim, follow through aspect of the basketball comparison, I'm a little thrown by it. The transition wasn't quite what I expected. I think it works, but contingent on the character. If this character plays or really likes basketball it works. If not...then maybe not. In other words if basketball is somehow important to the story, then I like it, if it's just there for comparison's sake, there might be a better comparison to have. Or we might not need a comparison at all. I can tell after reading the next few paragraphs, our narrator has definitely thought things through. I'd believe it without a comparison.

The whole thing's a done deal in a matter of seconds.

Love this line! It's powerful, and it's a little scary.

Revenge, on the other hand, and I mean real, calculated, make-him-sorry-he-was ever-born vengeance, takes time and planning and patience. You have to smile when you want to scream. You have to look your target in the eye when you'd rather claw his eyes out. And you have to ignore the slow spreading burn in your gut until it turns to ice, and sets your resolve so completely, you can't turn away without splintering.

I was interested before, but this is the paragraph that really gets me. This is paragraph where the voice stands up off the page. It also implies some great details about the character(s) and the conflict. Our speaker for instance is probably a girl (guys don't typically claw each other's eyes out) and she's about to tell us a revenge story--revenge on a boy (make him sorry he was ever born). She's smart, tough, calculating, and maybe a little crazy--but I want to follow her and find out what this guy did and how this revenge plan goes.

Do it right, and their blood will be on their own hands. Just another tragic teen suicide ~~that ends up~~ buried on the back of page three ~~and gets~~ with a memorial sheet in the school annual. Lots of flowers and stuffed animals and card collages stuck to the door. Pretty words and puffy, red-rimmed eyes from people who ~~will~~ question "why", but don't actually look hard enough to find out.

The bitterness here! Our character definitely has a backstory, and I want to know what happened to her to make her this jaded. I crossed out a few words to just tighten the sentences, and crossed out the last "will" to match the tense of the rest of the sentence and most of the paragraph.

No matter how messy it gets, or how much blood's involved, suicide's a clean kill. And any hunter can tell you that clean kills are what you want. Though any scenario that ends with Brooks Walden in a mangled heap works for me.

If this was the last line on a page, I would definitely turn to the next page and read more. I love that we have a name to our target--and potentially our antagonist. And of course I love that his name is Brooks. (All Brooks' are a little evil, right?) But the image of this guy in a mangled heap has definitely caught my interest. Again, the comparison to a hunter works, but I'm wondering if "hunting" Brooks Walden is going to come up consistently, and I think it works best if that's the case. But again, I think it could actually be taken out, just "And clean kills are what you want" gets the point across.

Also my final thoughts have more to do with what comes next. Because these first 250 words are totally me. I kind of love them--okay, I do love them--but the biggest thing this author has to be careful of is the likability of the protagonist. If this story is about getting revenge on Brooks Walden and making him wish he was dead --or worse--our protagonist is a little bit of an anti hero. The author is going to be flirting with a fine line when it comes to likability. If our protagonist's motives for vengeance aren't severe enough, we aren't going to want to follow her. In other words, Brooks has to be just plain awful, in order for us to root for the right person--at least in the beginning.

As an agent, I would totally without hesitation request this manuscript based on these pages. As a reader and book buyer, I would definitely turn the page.

First Page Shooter #2

2011-04-22T11:34:00.005-04:00

Here is the original query by itself:

There were seven of them, plus an angel.

Arine shivered in the cold night air, wishing she wore something more than just a t-shirt and jeans. Her wavy blonde hair kept her shoulders and upper back warm, but otherwise didn’t help much, and it itched.

The mountain cave they’d finally found to hide in had rocks and branches and other debris strewn all around. She wished they’d been able to find something with more room, but this was the best they’d been able to find. Oh well, discomfort was a small price to pay for freedom, and the satisfaction of having rescued the angel from the stupid evil jerks at the institution.

Arine shifted her position on the cave floor, adjusting her grip on the unconscious angel in her arms, hoping to share body heat. Then she looked around to see how the others were doing.

Fiore’s tongue poked out the side of his mouth as he tried to make a fire with a couple of branches. He kept tossing his head to get his thick black hair out of his face. His deep brown eyes were narrowed, focused on his task. He’d been at it fifteen minutes already, though, and Arine was freezing.

“Hurry up with that,” she told Fiore. He shot her a bruised look. It was the same stupid sulky-hurt expression he made whenever anyone commented on his inability to wear clothes that didn’t clash horribly. But he did have a wretched sense for colors.

******

Here is the query with notes (my comments are bolded):

There were seven of them, plus an angel.

Joanna: This is a strong opening line, but who is “them”? You don’t have to say it immediately following this line, but you shouldn’t wait too long to clarify that all of them are hiding together, because it isn’t exactly clear without rereading it a few times.

Arine shivered in the cold night air, wishing she wore something more than just a t-shirt and jeans. ~~Her wavy blonde hair kept her shoulders and upper back warm, but otherwise didn’t help much, and it itched.~~

Joanna: This line felt like a forced description and stopped the forward momentum immediately for me. Do we need to know that she has blonde hair at this exact moment? It’s also a little distracting because you mention that it itched, and I’m not sure why it itches, and you don’t explain it immediately. I’m assuming that it’s because she’s dirty and in a cave? But either way, all I’m thinking by line 3 is “Does she have lice?”

Joanna: This whole paragraph is clunkier than it needs to be, and in one or two areas, a little redundant. Try combining all of the information we—the reader—need here into one strong line, or two more concise strong lines. Something like:

The cave they discovered on the mountainside was dirty and cramped, but perfect for hiding from the jerks at the institution. And discomfort was a small price to pay for freedom.

If you clarify sooner that all 8 of them are hiding, you won’t need to mention the angel again right here.

Arine shifted her position on the ground ~~cave floor~~, adjusting her grip on the unconscious angel in her arms, hoping to share body heat. ~~Then she looked around to see how the others were doing.~~

Joanna: That last line is very passive. You don’t need to tell us that she looked around to see how they were doing—the reader doesn’t need that prompt unless the character is doing something really out of the ordinary. Instead, just go into how they’re doing. Something like:

…hoping to share body heat. The others weren’t fairing much better.

Joanna: There is a lot of body description crammed into this paragraph. You want to have some description, of course, but keep it to just a couple things at a time. In reading this paragraph a few times, I would suggest cutting the tongue poking out the side of his mouth—it’s almost a little too comical, and it’s not as important as learning about what he looks like. You already say that he narrows his eyes, “focused on his task” which is really accomplishing the same thing as the tongue description, right? You’re trying to show us that he’s concentrating. Unless Fiore is going to be the comic-relief type. Then you might want to keep the tongue line and cut the eyes narrowing. I don’t know the story enough to really make that call.

Also adding that last part makes it seem like you’re disputing what came before it, which you really aren’t. We already know that she’s cold and attempting to get some body heat from the angel. No need to repeat it yet again here. Her dialog shows us this well enough in the next paragraph.

Joanna: In reading this paragraph here, I can’t tell what kind of tone you’re going for with this story. Based on the first couple of paragraphs, I would say more serious. Based on this one, I would say much lighter. Are you planning on a bit more of a chick-litty type voice? Either way, the comment about the clothes feels out of place because it takes us out of the moment, which is them, hiding out in a cave, freezing, with an unconscious angel.

Joanna's Takeaway:

Overall, not a bad opening, and I probably would have read on another page or so to see if I could get a better grasp on the tone the author was going for (obviously if I've read a query, I might have had a better idea already--or maybe not--and I could see if the writer was staying consistent to that). If it continued this way, with conflicting tones and not giving us some of the information we need to keep us interested (why are they hiding out? who are they hiding from? why do they have an angel with them?), I would have probably called it quits after a page or two.

First Page Shooter #1

2011-04-20T12:59:00.003-04:00

Word Count: 70,000 words
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy

Original Pages

Cherubim longed for a name; a label to give it shape and definition
like the seraphim it admired from a distance. Without a name it had no
solid form, and therefore no senses. Images and voices bounced in its
thoughts, painting a picture of their own.

It didn’t know if the other cherubim felt the same way. No one ever
talked about it, so it also kept silent. But Cherubim loved to linger
in the ethereal corridors of the creator’s heaven absorbing the
day-to-day of the angels with bodies, personalities, and genders. It
wondered what color eyes it would have. Would they be violet like
Gabriel’s or maybe sapphire blue like Michael’s? And what kind of
things would it be able to see with those eyes? Or feel with real
fingers?

“Little one.” The voice echoed in its head.

Cherubim sought out the owner, recognizing him as one of the creator’s
most powerful. Lucifer. It knew this one better than almost any. His
name struck awe and fear in any cherubim. He never interacted with
them; never gave them a reason to change their perspective.

It focused on the archangel, indicating its attention.

“I’ve seen you watching the seraphim.” His intent was difficult to read.

Was it in trouble? Cherubim tried to keep the fear at bay and failed.

“It’s all right. It’s why I’m talking to you. Would you like to be one of them?”

Really? It could have that? It would do anything for that.

Page with Suzie's Critique

Cherubim longed for a name; a label to give it shape and definitionlike the seraphim it admired from a distance. Without a name it had no solid form, and therefore no senses. Images and voices bounced in its thoughts, painting a picture of their own.

Hmm...I'm a little confused and wary of this opening. What is "Cherubim"? I'm told it has no name, but it seems in this paragraph like Cheribum is its name. "Cherub" makes me think angel--as does "seraphim"--but I'm not sure why "no name" means no solid form. It's referred to as "it" and has no senses. But it has thoughts? Does it have personality? If I liked the description in the query, I would keep reading to see where this goes.

~~It didn’t know if the other cherubim felt the same way.~~ No one ever talked about it, so it also kept silent. But ~~Cherubim loved to linger~~ ~~in the ethereal corridors of the creator’s heaven absorbing the~~
~~day-to-day of the angels with bodies, personalities, and genders. I~~ it
wondered what color eyes it would have. Would they be violet like
Gabriel’s or maybe sapphire blue like Michael’s? And what kind of
things would it be able to see with those eyes? Or feel with real
fingers?

The second line actually implies the first line. And the "but" doesn't work as a sentence starter because keeping silent and loving to linger don't really have much to do with each other. I'm also wary of overwritten descriptions--"the ethereal corridors of the creator's heaven" doesn't tell me anything I haven't imagined already so it doesn't do anything for me. Also how does Cherubim "absorb" anything? I do really like the speculation about the eye color. That's a detail I can grab onto. Because I can understand why something with no physical form would wonder about that. The eye color is the first detail that makes me interest in Cherubim as a being.

“Little one.” The voice echoed in its head.

"Little one" seems generic and makes me think Cherubim is five or younger. Could a voice just echo in its head?

Cherubim sought out the owner, recognizing him as one of the creator’s
most powerful. Lucifer. It knew this one better than almost any. His
name struck awe and fear in any cherubim. He never interacted with
them; never gave them a reason to change their perspective.

I'm not sure this paragraph works. Lucifer striking awe and fear into anything isn't original. And if he never interacted with any Cherubim, why is he doing so now?

It focused on the archangel, indicating its attention.

“I’ve seen you watching the seraphim.” His intent was difficult to read.

How? If Cherubim doesn't have eyes or form, how does it "watch"? And does Cherubim understand "intent"?

Was it in trouble? Cherubim tried to keep the fear at bay and failed.

“It’s all right. It’s why I’m talking to you. Would you like to be one of them?”

Really? It could have that? It would do anything for that.

My biggest problem here, is that it's hard for me to connect with something that's an "it." I have trouble seeing Cherubim as anything--at least anything based on the words here. As a result I'm picturing this:

Which I'm pretty sure isn't what the author intended. I'm also not sure if Cherubim is an amorphous blob of nothing and I'm so focused on that, that I'm finding it hard to focus on what the page actually does say.

Also, there are a lot of angel stories right now that find their way into my query folder or my inbox. From this first page, this one doesn't seem to stand out or say anything different yet.

This makes me wonder if the story is starting in the right place. Could it just start after this, when Cherubim has a name and a form and a gender (I'm not sure why that's my particular hang up)? This could always be backstory.

As it is, I wouldn't keep reading.

Yet Another Update on First Page Shooter

2011-04-20T11:43:00.002-04:00

Hello All--Joanna here!

I haven't yet expressed how excited I am about doing First Page Shooter--not only will this be a fun series to work on, but I hope, also a useful tool for writers. Suzie and I have both already dived in and started reading.

And while I appreciate that most of you are equally excited, I would like to point out one thing: we are doing this in our free time. So while your suggestions for us to produce even more for the series are great, please understand that in doing so, First Page Shooter would become a full-time job. And both Suzie and I already have one of those.

Suzie's first First Page will be up soon!

Me = stoked

Update on First Page Shooter

2011-04-19T16:14:00.002-04:00

I have an update! So far, as of this morning, First Page Shooter has received over 700 emails. This is of course really exciting. I was afraid no one would send any emails and this would be a bust. (I know, everyone keeps asking me why I was thinking that...)

Of course, the downside is that with so many emails, even if I post one a day and don't get any more, it's going to take me two years to do them all.

I don't want to discourage anyone from sending pages, but I do want to reiterate that just because the pages get sent doesn't mean they're going to get posted. Joanna and I will do our best to critique as many as we can.

Also, the first critique will go up on the blog on Wednesday 4/20 around 11:30 am. Anyone should feel free to comment on the post, as long as the comments are productive rather than simply negative. Comments can also disagree with the critique, again as long as they're productive. Any personal attacks will be deleted.

After reviewing the critique, if the author of the first page would like to revise and try again, her or she may do so, by resubmitting.

And finally, please keep in mind this critique is simply one agent's opinion, and one based solely on the first 250 words. It is not at all intended to be a comment on the author's writing ability as a whole. I of course believe in my own opinion, but it is my opinion alone.

So! Look for the first critique tomorrow.

Happy Release Day!

2011-04-19T01:06:00.002-04:00

To the lovely and talented Hannah Moskowitz!

I. Love. This. Book.

Awesome First Pages! - Part II

2011-04-18T18:22:00.000-04:00

When I put up the examples of first pages that I loved, I was concerned about trying to get different genres. I wasn't thinking about a couple things--most noticeably my tastes.

I lean towards books written in first person. I love some books written in third (Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, omg, they're awesome), but a lot of my favorites are written in first. But of course as soon as someone pointed that out, I knew exactly which books I was going to talk about.

Even though it might be harder to establish voice, character, tone, and conflict in the first page, you still should. And not every book does it. But in today's market, as a debut author, you have to stand out. A kickass first page will do that for you.

Horns by Joe Hill
(again, this is a must read. Just ask Brooks)

First two lines: "Ignatius William Perrish spent the night drunk and doing terrible things. He woke the next morning with a headache, put his hands to his temples, and felt something unfamiliar, a pair of knobby pointed protuberances."

The first page of Horns--and the first chapter (which is only half a page)--tell us almost immediately what kind of guy Ig is. We get backstory on page 2 which helps us realize why he is the way he is and how he became this guy, and of course we get more as the story goes on. But right in that first page, we know him and are interested in him. We also have the conflict--he wakes up with horns. We also know from the first page, there's something dark and supernatural at work and that this is fast paced. And as someone who picked this up thinking, "I might like this..." I read a little more and was totally hooked.

City of Bones by Cassandra Clare
(I love The Mortal Instruments Series. I can't even count how many subway stops I've missed, reading this books.)

First two lines: "'You've got to be kidding me,' the bouncer said, folding his arms across his massive chest. He stared down at the boy in the red zip-up jacket and shook his shaved head. 'You can't bring that thing in here.'"

This is a more subtle example than any of the other ones I've used. And though the main character (Clary Fray) is introduced on the first page, she's not introduced in the first line. And that's ok, because this first line sets up interest and intrigue and will keep readers going. WHAT does this boy in the red zip-up jacket have that he can't bring into a club? And of course a few lines down, Clary is introduced, along with her best friend Simon, and they're both awesome.

Finnikin of the Rock by Melina Marchetta
(I love this book. Seriously.)

The first line: "A long time ago, in the spring before the five days of the unspeakable, Finnikin of the Rock dreamed that he was to sacrifice a pound of flesh to save the royal house of Lumatere."

I wanted to use this example because 1) It's from a prologue which are often so boring that I skip them and 2) It's fantasy, one of the slowest genres to start in terms of plot. Yet, Finnikin of the Rock's first line and it's whole prologue (which is short, just a page) gives a quick sense of what the book will be about, gives us the most essential character trait of Finnikin himself (his sense of loyalty/responsibility to his kingdom), and begins building this amazing fantasy world.

***

Now, I also tend to read things that are a little darker. And sure it's easier to throw some blood on the first page and get the action going, but you can still hook your reader with a great character and voice--and a hint of the coming conflict--if your manuscript is lighter in tone. Think of Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin.

"I was in the fifth grade the first time I thought about turning thirty. My best friend Darcy and I came across a perpetual calendar in the back of the phone book, where you could look up any date in the future, and by using this little grid determine what the day of the week would be."

The first lines are brilliant because it establishes the character, a central problem with her life, and of course her best friend Darcy, and between that and the cover copy, readers know what the main conflict will be.

***

And of course the other question was about literary fiction. Which is tough for me to talk about. After all, one of my favorite novels of all time is The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera. Another is Cry the Beloved Country by Alan Paton. Both of them are about so much more than just the plot. They're about the language, the symbolism, the depth of emotions underlying the text--they're about the bigger picture.

But at the same time, the classics that so many of us love and hold dear, they actually do usually begin with some kickass first lines.

Jane Austen anyone?

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife."

This famous Pride and Prejudice establishes essentially the main plot (this is at heart, a love story) as well as the tone of the novel.

Here are some more first lines, all on one convenient website.

So how about some of the recently published literary fiction. Here are a few examples I dug up.

Callisto by Torsten Krol
(This is a Joanna favorite, so obviously a must read)

First lines: "My name is Odell Deefus. I am a white person, not black like you might think from hearing the name and not seeing me. If you did see me, you wouldn't remember me for my face, which isn't the kind to stick in anyone's mind, but you might remember me for being tall."

These lines obviously establish character. That's explicit. The voice is there too though and it's there are definite traits about Odell that are clear from the way things are said, from the voice, not what we're being told. And of course, as you keep reading the first page and the first chapter, you come to understand more about Odell and the journey he's on.

The Reapers Are the Angels by Alden Bell
(Another Joanna favorite)

First lines: "God is a slick God. Temple knows. She knows because of all the crackerjack miracles still to be seen on this ruined globe."

The voice here is unmistakable. It's different--you'll see just how different if you read on--and it's unique and it practically jumps off the page. Nothing physical has happened yet but I'm intrigued to find out what has happened. Because it's obviously something.

***

And those are my thoughts. Again, I'm going to stress that looking at the first pages of your favorite novels--and of new and popular debut novels in your genre--are going to be some of the best examples for you.

Awesome First Pages!

2011-04-15T10:33:00.002-04:00

So you have to hook your reader in the first few pages--especially as a debut author. And really, if you can, you should try to hook them with the very first line.

UPDATE: I'm at a conference so I will do a post on Monday with a few great third person POV and literary fiction examples. It's true that third person is harder to show voice but it's still necessary.

Your first page should:

Establish your character and the voice
Establish the conflict and begin moving the story forward (ie plot)
Establish the tone (Dark? Fluffy beach read?)
Establish indication of the setting: (If it’s paranormal/fantasy/sci fi/historical, we should get a sense of this from the first pages)

*BONUS POINTS* for
Catching the reader off guard!

If your first lines can cause your reader to sit up closer and pay more attention, that’s what it means to effectively grab them or hook.

Alice Sebold is a MASTER at this. Look at The Lovely Bones and her memoir Lucky, those first lines are brilliant.

Once you grab your readers with their first page, you're set. Now you’ll just have to keep them there.

Once I started reading a manuscript on the way home from work. I was on the train, and I booted up the kindle and started reading, and after a few lines, I literally sat up straighter and paid more attention. It was that good. (that manuscript was by Dan Krokos, by the way). That's what you want.

Some great examples:

Beat the Reaper by Josh Bazell
(first, if you haven't read this yet, you must, seriously. Stop and go buy it right now.)

The first line: "So I'm on my way to work and I stop to watch a pigeon fight a rat in the snow, and some fuckhead tries to mug me!"

The first page hooks in readers and works because it totally establishes the voice. One of the best things (of many) about Beat the Reaper is the way Dr. Peter Brown's voice jumps off the page. And the fact that he's not exactly your typical doctor. The language, descriptions, and tone, all tell us within the first page that he's a guy you don't want to mess with--and a guy who we're going to be willing to follow.

You by Charles Benoit
(again, this is a book everyone should read)

The first line: "You're surprised at all the blood."

The first page hooks in readers and works because despite the unique storytelling (the book is written in second person POV), it establishes a mystery--something tense within the first scene, that will pull readers all the way through the book until the end where they'll find out what actually happened in that first scene. And of course, it's not at all what they'll be expecting.

Halfway to the Grave by Jeaniene Frost
(another one of my favorites!)

The first line: "I stiffened at the red and blue lights flashing behind me, because there was no way I could explain what was in the back of my truck."

The first page hooks in readers and works because we're introduced to our heroine, who comes across as an anti hero. (She has a body in her truck bed). But it also establishes the paranormal aspect of the novel. (The body is a dead vampire). Also within the first two pages, we understand a lot about our protagonist, the town she lives in, and her extracurricular activities.

For writers, this means...

You have essentially two goals in your first page.

Create Interest
Create Investment

You want your readers to be interested in where your story is going and invested in the characters who are going to be on that journey with them.

So again, feel free to send your first 250 words to firstpageshooter@gmail.com for your chance to be critiqued. The first critiques will go up next week!

Contest Winner - INVINCIBLE SUMMER

2011-04-14T00:16:00.000-04:00

Congrats to everyone who entered the INVINCIBLE SUMMER contest. They entries were awesome and I had so much fun reading them!!

The "You Know Exactly How I Feel" Entry:
hopejunkie @5:17 pm

Best use of the Camus quote:
Jen @10:56 am

Best use of people from Suite 500:
Melissa Peagler @1:07 pm

Sad but Beautiful:
Super Happy Jen @1:31 pm

Most Creative use of my typo:
Kim Roberts @1:52 pm

Best Dialogue:
sprunty @11:57 pm

Best Teen Boy Voice:
N. Alexander @11:14 pm

Best Strong Woman:
Kelly @7:36 am

Darkest and Most Haunting Descriptions:
abrielle1 @3:29 pm

and the winner is...

Lynn(e)
It was the beach where I’d had sex for the first time. I was seventeen and we weren’t in love. I think the worst part was that we both knew it. I walked home, alone, and found sand in places I didn’t even know I’d had. When I stayed in my room for a million days, my family assumed I’d gotten too much sun. An entire week passed before I crawled out of bed to find Wes at my doorstep. It was with him that I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

I love how raw and real it feels, and the last line gave me chills!

Lynn(e) send me an email with your address, and I'll send you your copy of Invincible Summer!

First Page Shooter

2011-04-13T10:11:00.002-04:00

There are so many resources out there for writers. Industry blogs, forums and websites comparing agents, advice from writers. But it occurred to us there's something that might be missing.

As agents, we have to be grabbed by the very first page of a writer's manuscript. And that manuscript has to continue holding onto us all the way to the end.

Sometimes we get great queries, with concepts that sound fantastic, and then we read the first pages...and end up disappointed. Sometimes we don't even make it to the end of the first page before we decide to pass.

Which means that first page is just as important as your query.

About six months ago, I did a first pages intensive workshop at a writer's conference, and I looked at the first two pages of several of my favorite published books, and then I looked at the first two pages of the writers in the workshop and told them where I'd stop reading and why.

Friday, I'll write about first pages that work in different genres, and then I want to hear from you.

Starting today, anyone who's brave enough can send me the first 250 words of their manuscript (email firstpageshooter@gmail.com), and either Joanna or I will provide editorial feedback.

For more details, see the links on the sidebar.

Contest Winner! LATE ECLIPSES

2011-04-07T12:49:00.001-04:00

Wow, I loved reading all these entries--awesome job to everyone who participated!

Best Sci Fi
Super Happy Jen at 2:55 pm

Most Creative Use of the Words (I totally want a fortune cookie that says something that Shakespearean)
Josin L McQuein at 4:30 pm

Most non-Sharkly use of Janet
africa2asia at 10:10 pm

Best Descriptions
Eliza Faith at 6:24 pm
and
Christina Auret at 12:01 am

Best Last Line
Tara Tyler at 5:06 pm
and
Cayleigh at 6:01 pm

Runner Up
Josh at 11:52 am

And the winner is...

Shykia!
The scythe of revenge is sharp. Rosemary is the bearer and we shall surely pay for our transgressions in blood before dawn. The night air is saturated with the soapy scent of freesia and it intensifies as she draws nearer. It triggers the memory of the dirty deed we carried out in late October. We expelled her from her physical habitation once we discovered what she was; pure evil, shrouded in flesh and artificial kindness. Little did we know, our perceptions were skewed. Our flawed decision had ignited a fire that can only be quelled by human sacrifice.

Congratulations to everyone. Shykia, send me an email with your address and I'll send you a copy of the book!

Who Wants an INVINCIBLE SUMMER?

2011-04-06T09:02:00.002-04:00

Hannah Moskowitz's sophomore novel is out April 19th! But I have an early copy here for someone!

Here's what you've have to do.

Write a story, one hundred words or fewer, using these words:

Beach
Sun
Family
Love
Sex

Bonus Points if you use the phrase "I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer"

Contest open internationally. It starts NOW, and runs through midnight Friday April 8th. Post your entry in the comments section.

Enter as many times as you want.

2011-04-01T23:09:00.000-04:00

Have you checked out the Write Hope auction yet? You should.

October Daye Contest!

2011-03-28T11:36:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to lie, I love Seanan McGuire and the October Daye series. I gushed over Rosemary and Rue when it first came out, and I've been devouring each book as they come out. And I'm not the only one--the fourth book in the series, Late Eclipses hit the NY Times extended list just a few weeks ago.

And it just so happens, I have an extra copy of Late Eclipses.

IT'S DARKEST JUST BEFORE THE DAWN

With Blind Michael and his Hunt safely behind her, October "Toby" Daye is doing her best to settle back into a normal routine—or as normal of a routine as she can manage, with her personal Fetch now paying half the rent. Still, things seem to be mostly under control...until the events of a single night send everything reeling. Now, with the Queen of the Mists watching her back and the Lady of the Tea Gardens deathly ill, Toby has no choice but to get involved, no matter how much she wants to avoid it.

The trials ahead will be some of the worst faced by Toby and her strange band of allies, and not even Tybalt will be able to escape totally unscathed. What's worse, the Luidaeg is unavailable to help them. This time, they're on their own. And people keep making Toby wear dresses, which is just adding insult to dangerous injury...

Late Eclipses is the fourth book in the October Daye series, a modern urban fantasy set in both the San Francisco Bay Area and the Faerie Kingdom of the Mists which overlays Northern California.

Which means...

Writing Contest!

Here's what you've have to do.

Write a story, one hundred words or fewer, using these words:

Rosemary
Habitation
Artificial
Night
October

Bonus Points if you use the phrase "These late eclipses in the sun and moon portend"

Contest open internationally. It starts NOW, and runs through midnight Wednesday March 30th. Post your entry in the comments section.

Enter as many times as you want.

Happy Release Day!

2011-03-22T09:11:00.002-04:00

Have you bought this yet? Because you need to. It's one of my favorite ARCs I read this year.

Oh. My. God.

2011-03-19T00:44:00.000-04:00

This is how the zombie apocalypse will start.

Final Dog Days

2011-03-13T16:08:00.002-04:00

Woof, woof Cats and Dogs. We have the third and final winner of A DOG'S WAY HOME by Bobbie Pyron. And don't forget, you can buy it here, here, or here.

But first, meet more of our new friends! You can read their original stories in the comments of this blog post titled Must Love Dogs.

This pup is named Buddy, and he's curled up with his kitten pal, Princess!

And this is Buddy and Princess' other roommate, Cooper. While Buddy watches over Princess, Cooper watches over the kids! They all live with Christie Corbett and are very happy little animals.

Here is Molly playing with a particularly tasty looking tennis ball. If she ever visits NY, I hope she'll share with me!

This is Molly when she was a pup. Geeez, moms can't wait to share the puppy pictures...my mom does the same thing! It's so embarrassing, but she says it's really cute.

This is Molly and her mom, Ricki. Bark for the camera!

Tasha Belle knows how to live. I like a good nap, too!

Ronan here also goes by the alias The Ronanator. Or maybe it's a pseudonym. Can dogs be writers, too?

Black Dog here lives with Tirzah and these two pups, Freddy and Henry.

And guess what, guess what?? *pant, pant* Tirzah is the third winner of A DOG'S WAY HOME!!

I made a lot of good friends with this contest, and I have Bobbie Pyron to thank for it! Mom always said that nothing brings people together like a good book, and I guess that applies to dogs, too.

Woof, woof!
PeeWee, signing out.

Life as a Literary Assistant

2011-03-09T13:21:00.000-05:00

Skendall stormed through my office and into the lair just about twenty minutes ago, saying she was so angry she had to take a walk.

Mer Bear immediately jumped in too and they began venting to each other.

Naturally I was curious. What could get these two so upset?

THIS.

And of course after I read it, I was infuriated too.

I've been the office manager at FinePrint and an executive assistant to Peter Rubie, the CEO of FinePrint since May 2010. I was an unpaid intern before that.

I'm still technically an assistant. I'm an agent in my own right, and damn proud of it, but for at least a few more months, I'm also Peter's assistant. I interact with assistants at every major publishing house on a daily basis, and I know plenty of assistants at well known literary agencies.

Which is why I'm wondering who was actually interviewed for this article and if their words were taken out of context.

Because not one assistant I know would read this and say it was an accurate portrayal of publishing.

"THE ASSISTERATI ARE hired for their taste, their poise and their pedigree, but once they settle into their cubicles, these traits are about as valuable as perfect punctuation in the cover letter of a slush submission."

Actually no. Sure does a college degree from an Ivy League impressive? Yes. But as someone who has has co-coordinated an intern program and placed all of our interns last semester in a job at major publishing houses, it's damn hard to get a job in publishing. You can't just have impressive credentials and pedigree. I know an assistant who got her job after three rounds of interviews, two writing assignments that included reading two whole manuscripts, and then having a former intern supervisor forward multiple examples of her stellar editorial work on the job.

""The things that are the hardest, or maybe scariest, for me are admin things, like phones, paperwork—especially tax forms!" a 22-year-old assistant to a literary agent told The Observer from her office, over Gmail chat."

Administrative tasks are scary when you're in your first job anywhere because the potential to screw up is HUGE. Um tax forms, they may not be glamorous, but they're important.

"A distinguished if not currently prominent author recently took a meeting with the assistant's boss and upon arrival, standing not three feet from her desk, said, "Have your girl print my boarding pass for my flight this afternoon and bring me a coffee.""

Have I occasionally run into chauvinistic men who've asked me to get their coffee? Yes. But not while I've been in publishing. Oh, I'm sure it exists, just like it exists everywhere. You ask any female recent college grad about her experience in the workforce, and she'll have a story.

"Thanks to industry-endemic budget tightening, the publishing assistant's duties have steadily declined on an asymptote toward the menial. More and more time is spent scheduling lunches, taking minutes and mailing galleys (often to the other members of the Assisterati, with chatty notes on their personal stationery). They may be drafted into bartending a party—a debasement of one of the job's few perks. Little of their workday is left to discover the next Lorrie Moore; to read the thousands of manuscripts you have to mine to find The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, they sacrifice their weekends."

Actually due to industry-endemic budget tightening, the publishing assistant's duties have doubled or tripled. They might be scheduling lunches, taking minutes, and mailing galleys (I've done all three), but they're also editing for their bosses, acquiring their own projects, and working nights and weekends in order to get it all done. As a general rule, when an industry tightens its budget and lays people off, but then still produces the same output, it means the people who still work there, take on more work.

"The Assisterati's bosses are the gatekeepers to the kind of meaningful work—acquiring or editing books—that they must master in order to move up the ladder."

Welcome to real life. Bosses are bosses in every industry. When you take an entry level job, you put in the work in order to learn and move up.

""I spent easily 80 percent of my workweek with my boss," remembered Lilit Marcus, author of Save the Assistants. "He would talk to me about his kids. I knew his Social Security number. I still know his doorman's cell phone number by heart.""

I know similar details about my boss, and I also spend a similar amount of my official workweek with him. And I can list all 40+ of his clients and tell you not only what titles they have coming out in 2011 and 2012, but what those books are about, what publisher is putting out, and what some of those clients are working on now.

And the 19 hours a day I spend working or the weekends I'm in the office ? I'm working on the manuscripts for my clients so I can add to the deals I've done.

"Only one of the mostly early-stage Assisterati The Observer spoke with at the party betrayed such fatigue. She likes the work, but it's not a good fit personality-wise, she said with utmost diplomacy. She'll consider leaving after the one-year mark. The rest of the crowd still wore a honeymoon glow."

Right. This is because the writer of this article most likely came in with preconceived notions (which were wrong) about the industry and then did a terrible job listening to the assistants he/she interviewed and getting the true story.

All in all, one of the worst articles I've read from The Observer.

(For Mer Bear's reaction, she blogged about this HERE.)

My New Favorite Thing on the Internet

2011-03-08T20:30:00.000-05:00

You can thank Skendall for this. Tonight, she asked if I'd ever seen the "Total Eclipse of the Heart" Video, like the original one from back in the day.

I said no, and she made me watch the first minute of it, just to get the full scope of how terrible it is.

Now you watch.

Then she showed me THIS. Which is the funniest thing I may have every seen on the internet. My life is now, more complete.

Make sure you watch until the end. My favorite line is the one about Hogwarts.

Yes!

2011-03-03T12:12:00.000-05:00

The next installment of George RR Martin's Song of Ice & Fire epic fantasy series will be released by Tor on July 12. A Dance with Dragons is "close enough to being finished" and comes six years after the previous series entry.

Next Winner and more Pups!

2011-03-02T23:34:00.002-05:00

This is Bolt.

Bolt belongs to Nikki.

This is Cody.

Cody belongs to Monica.

And these two pups belong to Kerry and they wrote me,
PeeWee Stampfel-Volpe, my very first dog-to-dog email.
It was cool!

And today's winner of Bobbie Pyron's A DOG'S WAY HOME goes to...Nora Coon!
So everyone give a big woof! of congrats, okay?? And if you haven't bought the book to read to your doggie pal yet, what are you waiting for?? You can buy it here, here, or here.

Come back this weekend to meet Black Dog, Henry, Freddy, Cooper and Buddy! And also to find out who the THIRD winner of A DOG'S WAY HOME is!

Woof, woof!

PeeWee

Done any mad libs lately?

2011-03-02T08:50:00.001-05:00

You might need to.

A Must Read

2011-03-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

A month ago I finished reading The Second Duchess by Elizabeth Loupas and it's been on my mind ever since. Seriously. I haven't been able to stop talking about how amazing it is. I was so incredibly sucked into the story and so sad when it ended, that I wanted to turn back to the first page and start it again.

So, it's a good day for you, since it's now in bookstores! Happy Release Day to Elizabeth!

In a city-state known for magnificence, where love affairs and conspiracies play out amidst brilliant painters, poets and musicians, the powerful and ambitious Alfonso d'Este, duke of Ferrara, takes a new bride. Half of Europe is certain he murdered his first wife, Lucrezia, the luminous child of the Medici. But no one dares accuse him, and no one has proof-least of all his second duchess, the far less beautiful but delightfully clever Barbara of Austria.

At first determined to ignore the rumors about her new husband, Barbara embraces the pleasures of the Ferrarese court. Yet wherever she turns she hears whispers of the first duchess's wayward life and mysterious death. Barbara asks questions-a dangerous mistake for a duchess of Ferrara. Suddenly, to save her own life, Barbara has no choice but to risk the duke's terrifying displeasure and discover the truth of Lucrezia's death-or she will share her fate.

Dogs, dogs everywhere w/lots of faces to lick!

2011-02-28T10:57:00.003-05:00

Hi Big People, PeeWee here. And I've got some new friends to introduce you to! But first...the winner of A DOG'S WAY HOME by Bobbie Pyron is....

Karla Nellenbach and her brother and sister pups, Samson and Nickels, who saved the bunny from the owls (it was an animal-filled story!)

Here they are:

Samson is one brave dog to take on a mess of owls! Most owls are bigger than me, so I wouldn't even try--in fact, is Samson looking for a job? Because I'm about the size of a bunny, and I need protection!

Read Samson's story and all of the rest in the comments here. There were some really great stories of rescue, daring and bravery. All of these dog's and their owners would LOVE Tam in A DOG'S WAY HOME. So even if you didn't win, I highly suggest you pick up a copy! It hit the shelves last week. You can buy it here, here, or here. Go!

Now it's time to meet some of my other new friends!

This is Kaffi. She was rescued by her owner at a rest stop while on vacation. She was part chihuahua like me! You can read her full story in the link above. Her owner Kelley is a hero in my book!

This here is a surfing pup named )(urley! She can hang twenty, ride the waves, and she's also got a killer sleepy face (see below). I can swim, but I've never tried surfing!

On Wed we'll meet Cody, Kal, Sera and Bolt! So stay tuned for more doggie pics.
And just because we love the book so darn much, we'll announce a new winner of A DOG'S WAY HOME on Wednesday! That's right--two winners. We chihuahuas can be very giving.

WOOF!

PeeWee

More Hunger Games!

2011-02-27T09:28:00.000-05:00

This is fabulous.

I kind of love this.

2011-02-26T12:36:00.002-05:00

I think it's my new life goal to some day see this guy in person.

Winners and Dogs coming soon!

2011-02-25T08:51:00.002-05:00

Hi All!

Well, PeeWee and I received so many dog pics, that we're working on an epic post to announce the winner. I wanted to announce by last night, but I haven't been able to nail PeeWee down (he's got a very busy schedule). So look for our doggie post this weekend!

To distract you until then, check out Lee Nichols' shiny new book trailer for DECEPTION, the first book in her Haunting Emma series! It rocks--and it's perfect timing, too, since BETRAYAL hits the shelves next week!

And if you haven't checked out Lee's Blog yet, DO. She's running awesome contests that include an iTunes gift cards giveaway!

Realer

2011-02-23T14:43:00.005-05:00

Reality can't just go onto the page and work as a book.

In real life (IRL for you gamers out there) people really do just taaaaalk about nothing. They talk about their daaaaayy or the weeeaaather...all the time! But that isn't the stuff of dialogue in fiction--unless it's meant to demonstrate something. A dissolving couple, for instance.

IRL, people really do just jet off somewhere and then come back and resume their life. They do just take up random hobbies or investigate friends' murders in lieu of the police (OK, not that one. Hint hint, amateur sleuth writers).

But not in books. Books have to be life, distilled. Only purposeful things go into a book. Dialogue and character decisions that move the plot forward.

Books are realer than life.

Hear Me RAAAAAWWRR!!

2011-02-21T14:18:00.004-05:00

You may have seen my Twitter outburst earlier today concerning contact info and how IT SHOULD BE PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED ON YOUR WEBSITE!!!!!

I'm setting up a blog tour for one of our fabulous authors, a crime writer with a book out in May. I've been clicking around all day and am surprised how hard it is to contact bloggers!

Of course, writers out there, your contact info is essential if I stumble upon your blog and am like "Oh sweet potatoes! This guy/gal can write! I must sign!" However, that's not really the reason you want your info accessible.

Maybe you're a black belt. Maybe a graphic designer. A dog fan? Your unique skillset and interests may perfectly fit the needs of someone who stumbles across your info because of a retweet or someone posting you on their FB wall. You just never know!

Notes and Disclaimers:

If you're afraid your inbox will be flooded: get over yourself. We're talking about serendipity here...it's not going to happen every day.
Be smart. Physical addresses and phone numbers? No.
"Contact Me" forms are handy...but if a longer message needs to be sent, it's just going to annoy you (those forms remove paragraphs). Just put your email somewhere!
I am indifferent between "Contact Me" tabs or putting the info someplace in the sidebar. Or even just having it in your larger profile (on blogger, etc.)

The End Has No End

2011-02-18T13:19:00.002-05:00

So, we’ve covered the “revolution,” the chains, and the new mindset agents, authors and editors should be looking to adopt as digital products take the stage. What does it mean, practically, for authors and their representatives?

It means doing more than writing a book, unfortunately. Agents frequently say to their authors “You write the book. Leave the rest to me.” That’s partly truth and partly left over from when publishers shouldered the brunt of publication, including promotion and marketing. Stuff that now falls almost completely to the agents and authors—both have had to diversify from “selling the book” or just “writing the book.”

Consider digital the next wave of responsibility reverting to the agents and authors. We’ve learned to get online, create buzz, and keep selling the book after it’s “sold” in the traditional sense of an agent’s job. That’s largely back-end stuff, post-pub. Now we have to add some front-end stuff. We’ve got to think about the book plus, the PPP, from the get-go.

That doesn’t mean that authors come in with set-in-stone demands on the digital avenues they want to take, any more than they should come in having designed their own cover. But it means giving apps, etc thought. Ideas. Having started a blog. Even fiction authors should have an eye toward platform.

I’ve heard people say that the migration of responsibility from publisher back to author is “unfair.” Like we should hate publishers because they don’t send all authors out on book tours like they did in the Golden Days. And where did all the scotch and cigars go?!

That’s ridiculous. Not only have challenges facing publishers changed, but the way books are sold have too. Book tours? Not the best way to make $$ on books (but that’s another blog post). Marketing and promotion are now grassroots—getting the word out online has to have a voice. The author’s voice.

Authors can’t just “be artistes” anymore, just like agents have to find time to act as publicists (among other things). Your first job is to write the book, but your job doesn’t end once you type “fin” and land an agent. Not by a long shot. Bummer, because most authors have full-time lives outside of writing. But these days embarking on the publication journey means being willing and able to take on the front- and back-end responsibilities. They’re no longer optional.

Thanks for following the series, everyone. You’ve all made great points and asked great questions in the comments—those have become fodder for future discussions.

If you like Swag...

2011-02-18T09:09:00.002-05:00

Check this out:

Then go HERE.

As a former teacher...

2011-02-17T13:23:00.002-05:00

I find this insanely interesting.

Confessions

If you haven't seen it yet...

If you're bored...

Happy Book Release to TEMPEST!

The Joy of Books

Happy Holidays!

Happy Release Day!

ZOMBIE TAG Contest Winner

A Year in NY

Win a Copy of ZOMBIE TAG!

First Page Shooter #13

The Query Contest Advice Part II (aka Stand Out!)

The Query Contest Advice Part I, aka The Importance of Titles

Query Contest Update II

Query Contest Update

And it's official!

The Art of Pitching

Adventures in Vancouver

Calling All Picture Book Writers!

A Peek Into a Pitch Letter

Read for Relief!

Gay Characters in YA

First Page Shooter #12

First Page Shooter #11--REVISED

First Page Shooter #10--REVISED

Good Trailers?

More Fan Videos of HUNGER GAMES

Tips on the Evil Synopsis

Query Hiatus (9/1 to....TBD)

Happy Release Day!

why tonight will be a phenomenal night

Guys, it's HERE!

I have two dogs...

First Page Shooter #9

First Page Shooter #8

June Giveaway Winner - The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland in a Ship of Her Own Making

First Page Shooter #7

I'm back!

June GIVEAWAY

Review of BEAUTY QUEENS by Libba Bray

Sarah attempts a confession

After Dark Tour

First Page Shooter #6

First Page Shooter #5

First Page Shooter #4 REVISED

I'm going to steal Joanna's thunder...

Um, yay.

Original Sin Winner!

Help Write Now

The Original Sin Contest

I am so excited for this!

First Page Shooter #3

First Page Shooter #2

First Page Shooter #1

Yet Another Update on First Page Shooter

Update on First Page Shooter

Happy Release Day!

Awesome First Pages! - Part II

Awesome First Pages!

Contest Winner - INVINCIBLE SUMMER

First Page Shooter

Contest Winner! LATE ECLIPSES

Who Wants an INVINCIBLE SUMMER?

October Daye Contest!

Happy Release Day!

Oh. My. God.

Final Dog Days

Life as a Literary Assistant

My New Favorite Thing on the Internet

Yes!

Next Winner and more Pups!

Done any mad libs lately?

A Must Read

Dogs, dogs everywhere w/lots of faces to lick!

More Hunger Games!

I kind of love this.

Winners and Dogs coming soon!

Realer

Hear Me RAAAAAWWRR!!

The End Has No End