Example Query: MarcyKate Connolly

Okay, sit up and pay attention. This is quite a good one:
Dear Ms. Townsend, 
Most people remember their first crush, first kiss, and first day of school. Kymera remembers none of that. But she will never forget her first breath.

When Father recreates her from the parts of her broken body, the wings of a raven, the tail of serpent, and a cat’s razor-sharp vision, he gives her life without memories or pain.

But not without a mission.

Kymera knows who murdered her. A wizard in the city of Bryre who is sacrificing the girls of the countryside one by one. He is monstrous and now Father has created a monster to stop him.

Kymera sneaks into Bryre each night, rescuing the captive girls and doing her best to avoid the city’s human inhabitants. Then one night she meets Ren, the king’s page boy, and her resolve weakens. Her nightly missions take on a dual purpose—save the other girls and steal a few moments with the boy who has yet to see her without her cloak.

As she lingers each night, Kymera begins to overhear things: a snide remark about Father, rumors of a hideous beast, and whisperings of a black market dealing solely in live, human goods. Ever since that first breath, she’s known exactly who she is, but now she is forced to ask who is the real monster here—the wizard, her father, or worse, herself?

MONSTROUS, a YA fantasy complete at 85,000 words, is Frankenstein meets the Brothers Grimm told from the viewpoint of the monster as a teenage girl. I believe it will appeal to fans of Daughter of Smoke & Bone and Graceling. I have a MS in Arts Administration from Boston University and as the former marketing director of a professional theatre, I can actively promote my work. My futuristic YA short story “Connected” was recently published in the Spring Fevers Anthology by Elephant’s Bookshelf Press.

I understand you’re looking for young adult fantasy novels and I thought you might be interested in MONSTROUS. Per your submission guidelines, the first 10 pages are enclosed below. I would be happy to supply additional sample chapters or a full manuscript upon request.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration.


MarcyKate Connolly
There's a lot to love about this query.

What struck me first, admittedly was the fact that only two days after she sent me this query, MarcyKate followed up to say she had an offer. So when I read the query, it came with an offer. But I've passed on things with an offer.

This one I had to request because it sounded hauntingly beautiful. Right from the beginning.

One thing that can be hard to queries is figuring out what details are the right ones to include. Here, MarcyKate includes the exact right details. If you look at the first paragraph, those details about people remembering their first crush and first kiss, set up the undertone of romance as well as the loss. Kymera will never have those things.

The writing on a pure language level is gorgeous. This query shows that no matter what's going on plot-wise, MarcyKate Connolly can write. I mean, the way she describes Kymera: created "from the parts of her broken body, the wings of a raven, the tail of serpent, and a cat’s razor-sharp vision"! That imagery gives such a clear vision of our main character that makes her very unique.

The structure is also great. It builds in intensity. Not just within the whole query, but also within each paragraph. The last line in each paragraph adds some new piece of information that makes you want to keep reading.

I knew probably by "But not without a mission" that I was going to have to request this and read it overnight. And I did.

What's also crazy about this query and this book, is that MarcyKate breaks several rules. First, in the opening scene, Kymera wakes up--not just from sleep but on the first day of her life.

And of course, now it's a middle grade novel rather than a YA. But it works. This is an example of when you can be an exception to the rule.

Look for it Tuesday, February 10th!

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storyqueen said...

This is the number one book I am looking forward to next month!

I am so intrigued I can't stand it!!!



J Lenni Dorner said...

That is an intriguing query. I love the opening line.

It certainly did break that "three paragraphs, four max" query rule.

The story sounds very interesting.