Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Querying 101: DON'T

Please do not praise an internet picture of the agent. Please do not praise said picture for four paragraphs. Not only does it not tell me what your book is about, but it sounds creepy and stalkerish, which are probably not characteristics of an "ideal client."


Rissa Watkins said...

Wow, just wow. Why would anyone think putting that information in their query is acceptable?

Yes, I plan on including a pic of my shrine to you as an attachment, but my query letter will be about the book. ;)


Ash. Elizabeth said...

ahhh, the queries people send out amaze me. I read somewhere that one query quoted an agent's blog post as an opener. haha. When I eventually query you, I don't think I'll include pictures or blog references because, well, that's just not normal. : )

Kristin Miller said...

Oh my stars. I'm trying to not laugh. Sorry. You are lovely, you know (*sounds stalkerish*), but yeah, I can see how that would be creepy coming from a complete stranger. :/

Lisa and Laura said...

Um, wow. Hopefully these same queries aren't coming from inmates.

Melissa said...

"Not only does it not tell me what your book is about, but it sounds creepy and stalkerish..."

Hold on, let me fix that for you:

"Not only does it not tell me what your book is about, but it's creepy and stalkerish and completely unprofessional. When reading a query, my first thought should not be, "Hrm, I'm going to need a restraining order."

Nikki said...

So, getting a tattoo of your "dream agent" on your, um, shoulder, and sending a picture of the finished artwork along with the query letter would definitely be out? Durn.

But it's still okay to change the name of the MC in your steamy paranormal romance to the agent's name, right? I mean, what agent could resist that? (Example: Janet Reid gazed longingly at the finely chiseled torso of Blake, the space pirate captain who had just boarded her vessel. "What should I do with you, Janet?" Blake growled.)

I mean, that's gotta work.

Thanks for the laugh, Suzie.

Mechelle Fogelsong said...

Okay, Nikki, you jest about the MC's name, but often read the credits at the ends of movies to come up with characters' names for my books. It's going to be truly bizarre someday, when one of my novels gets made into a movie, and the film crew suddenly realizes that all the story's fictional characters match the gaff dudes' names!

Maybe I'm weird, but under the heading of my blog, I very clearly state, "I am NOT a creepy stalker!"

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it! ;)

Lisa Dez said...

I'm sorry. ;)

Stina Lindenblatt said...

So telling Nathan Bransford he looks like a sexy cross between Zac Efron and George Clooney wasn't a smart thing to do. Darn it! :D

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Five Random Things About Suzie

1. I drink so much orange soda, it's probably running through my veins. I've been known to go through a twelve pack of diet sunkist in a day.

2. I'm legitimately nocturnal (or a vampire). I will be so exhausted at two pm that I'm falling asleep standing up - it has happened before, at Six Flags no less - but as soon as the sun goes down I'm wide awake.

3. I have a gorgeous unused $6000 Reem Acra wedding dress hanging in my closet, and it showed up on my doorstep the same day my (now ex) fiance broke up with me. And thank God for that. I wouldn't have wanted to waste that dress on him.

4. Social anxiety plagues me daily. I write a script and practice in front of the mirror when I have to make a phone call, but most people who interact with me have no idea how nervous I am (or perhaps they lie) because I've worked so hard to try to overcome it.

5. I'm actually worried that I will never love my children (when I do have them in the far off future) as much as I love my dogs. I just like animals better than people - they're sweet and innocent and soft and furry - is that so wrong?